Word Pictures

When we’ve written great words, we may be hard-pressed to think of anything that might be better. But if we take a another look at the images our words create, we might improve the picture.
With this exercise, not much is left to improve. Or is there?

Some great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:

Tom Wong timed Skeet’s pulse, listened to his heart, and took his blood pressure. The cold stethoscope diaphragm against the kid’s bare chest and the tightness of the pressure cuff around his right arm failed to elicit even a slight response from him. Not a twitch, blink, shiver, sigh, grunt, or grumble. He lay as limp and pale as a peeled, cooked zucchini.

What we might see for an improved version:

Tom Wong timed Skeet’s pulse, listened to his heart, and took his blood pressure. Neither the cold stethoscope against the kid’s bare chest nor the tightness of the pressure cuff around his arm prompted even a slight response. Not a twitch, blink, or shiver. Not a sigh, grumble, or grunt. He lay as limp and pale as a peeled, cooked zucchini.

Some logic for making improvements:

1. We get the picture without the word diaphragm, although it’s technically correct. We can leave out that word.
2. Since it doesn’t matter which arm the reader might visualize for the blood pressure cuff being wrapped, we can simply refer to “arm” rather than “right arm.”
3. “Failed to elicit” is a slightly cumbersome, negative statement. The positive “prompted” might be better.
4. The “rule of threes” says readers get the picture more readily when lists don’t exceed three items. We have six here, and conveniently, the first three deal with bodily actions, the last three with speech. We might strengthen the paragraph by using two sentences.