Bestselling authors may write great paragraphs, but we can learn ways to make them even better.
As Edgler Vess turns, readers want to see what he sees.
Here are two great paragraphs from Intensity by Dean Koontz:
Rubbing his muddy fingerprints together, Mr. Vess rises to his full height and slowly turns in a circle, studying the surrounding land. The meadows to the north and the distant piney woods beyond. The driveway leading east to the bald knoll. The yard to the south, more meadows beyond, and the woods again. Finally the backyard, past the barn, to the foothills. The deer—if it was a deer—is gone.
Edgler Vess stands motionless. Listening. Watchful. Breathing deeply, seeking scents. Then for a while he inhales through his open mouth, catching what he can upon his tongue. He feels the moist air like the clammy skin of a cadaver against his face. All his senses are open wide, irised to the max, and the freshly washed world drains into them.
Here’s what we might see for an improved version:
Rubbing his fingers together, feeling the muddied moisture on his fingerprints, Mr. Vess turns slowly, studying his surroundings. The northern meadows and the distant piney woods. The driveway leading east to the bald knoll. The yard to the south, more meadows beyond, and the forested thicket. Finally the back yard, past the barn, to the foothills. The deer—if it was a deer—is gone.
Edgler Vess stops. Motionless. Listening. Watchful. Breathing deeply, seeking scents. Through his open mouth, he inhales, savoring the taste upon his tongue. Against his face, the moist air feels like the clammy skin of a cadaver. All his senses are open to the max, and the freshly washed world drains into them.
Logic for making improvements:
- Technically, the fingerprint is a pattern that can’t be muddy. The moisture on the fingers can be muddy.
- Turning is always in a circle. Can one turn in a square. We don’t need to state the obvious “in a circle.”
- “Surrounding land” is better stated as “surroundings” since he’s observing much more than the ground.
- “Meadows to the north” is more quickly understood with the fewer words: “northern meadows.”
- “Beyond” is redundant, since that’s obvious from “distant piney woods.”
- Since Vess’s mouth is open before he inhales, we do better to mention the open mouth before saying he inhales.
- “Catching what he can upon his tongue” doesn’t convey the sense of taste. “Savoring the taste upon his tongue” is better.
- “Against his face” is better placed at the beginning of the sentence because actions can’t take place in a void. The difference is subtle, but readers like to know where they are before they find out what happens.
- We want to avoid mixed metaphors of “irised,” referring to the function of the eye when something “drains” into it.
