First-person storytelling tends to be more intimate, but we may still find places where we can deepen the point of view, with less objective telling.
Great words from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins:
It strikes me then that I’m being an idiot. I should get up and follow him, talk to him. He can tell me what happened, or what didn’t happen; he might be able to fill in some of the blanks at least. I get to my feet. I hesitate— I know it’s already too late, the doors are about to close, I’m in the middle of the carriage, I won’t be able to push my way through the crowd in time. The doors beep and close. Still standing, I turn and look out of the window as the train pulls away. He’s standing on the edge of the platform in the rain, the man from Saturday night, watching me as I go past.
What we might see for an improved version:
Wait, I’m an idiot. I should follow him, talk to him. He can tell me what happened, or what didn’t happen—maybe fill in some of the blanks. I get to my feet. No, it’s already too late. I’m in the middle of the carriage, too far away to push through the crowd in time. The doors beep and close. Still standing, I look out the window. He’s standing on the edge of the platform in the rain, the man from Saturday night, watching me as the train pulls away.
Logic for making improvements:
- “It strikes me then that I’m being an idiot” gives readers the sense of observing rather than being the main character. By avoiding the “it strikes me” filter, readers feel what is realized. Better: “No, I’m being an idiot.”
- We want to leave out obvious in-between actions. “I should get up” is an obvious part of the picture if she follows him. Better: “I should follow him.”
- “Be able to” is a phrase that can almost always be left out, allowing us to tighten the focus.
- “I hesitate—I know it’s already too late” is a telling observation. In her deep point of view, this is better: “No, it’s already too late.”
- “The doors are about to close” are an unnecessary explanation. We have that information later, when the doors beep and close. By leaving out “the doors are about to close” we intensify the focus on the fact that it’s already too late.
- We have independent clauses joined by a comma with not conjunction, what we call a “comma splice.” Celebrity authors may get away with that, but we shouldn’t do it. Use periods.
- “I won’t be” is telling observation. Here, we have a second “be able to” phrase that we can eliminate and tighten the sentence. Instead of the comma-spliced “I’m in the middle of the carriage, I won’t be able to push my way through the crowd in time,” we do better with “I’m in the middle of the carriage, too far away to push through the crowd in time.”
- “I turn and look out of the window” contains an obvious in-between action that can be eliminated. Better: “I turn and look out the window.”
- “As the train pulls away” is redundant and should be eliminated and then used to replace “as I go past” in the last sentence.
Thank you. I aim to please. This week, I’m teaching the Beginner Fiction writing track at the Southern California Christian Writers Conference.
Nice job, Frank!