Each time we read what we’ve written before, we need to push ourselves back into the mind of the point-of-view character in the scene, revisiting the thoughts and feelings and what’s important at that moment. Then we can often find ways to make the words a little better.
The differences here are subtle, but that doesn’t mean they’re unimportant.
Some great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:
She tried taking slow, deep breaths. Instead, her breathing became more rapid, ragged.
When she closed her eyes, seeking inner peace, she found only turmoil, a vertiginous darkness.
What we might see for an improved version:
She tried slow, deep breaths, thinking that would calm her panic. Instead, her breathing became more rapid and ragged. When she closed her eyes to shut out the trauma, she fell helplessly into a sickening dizzy feeling, like vertigo in total darkness.
Some logic for making improvements:
- Delete “taking” and we strengthen focus on the slow, deep breaths.
- Add the explanatory phrase “thinking that would calm her panic” and we understand her motive at the beginning.
- The second sentence has the same point of focus as the first, so they should be together in a single paragraph.
- “Seeking inner peace” is something we should know in the first sentence, and we do, with the added “panic” phrase. In the second sentence, we can more directly connect action with purpose by saying, “she closed her eyes to shut out the trauma.”
- “Found only turmoil” sounds like she was seeking rather than trying to escape. “Fell helplessly” gives us the more accurate, out-of-control feeling.
- Readers who don’t have “vertiginous” in their speaking vocabulary won’t go to the dictionary to discover its meaning, which is the noun vertigo changed to an adjective. Therefore, we add clarity by describing the vertigo feeling and adding the simile: “like vertigo in total darkness.”
