Movies give us only sight and sound, but with words we can stir all five senses and deepen the emotion.
Great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:
Crossing the threshold, setting foot on the black granite floor, Martie felt her burden of anxiety lift significantly. A new lightness in body and mind. A welcome hope in the heart.
What we might see for an improved version:
As soon as she crossed the threshold, the moment her foot touched the black granite floor, Martie’s burden of anxiety lifted. The clouds had mysteriously vanished, leaving nothing but sunshine. She took a deep breath, welcoming a feeling that everything was going to be all right.
Logic for Making Improvements:
- Can you identify the difference between the before and after, how the before tells what happened? Rather than feeling like you’re an observer, the after has you sharing Martie’s experience.
- The first clue for improvement comes in the phrase “Martie felt.” Any time the author says someone felt, readers are deprived of having the feeling themselves. For the feeling to be experienced, we want to avoid saying “Martie felt her burden of anxiety lift.” What do we say? “Martie’s burden of anxiety lifted.” Such a small change can make a huge difference.
- The words crossing and setting in their -ing form indicate an ongoing action, which deprives readers of what actually happened in an instant. “As soon as she crossed the threshold” is a better opening.
- If we use “the moment her foot touched the black granite floor,” we have the touched word that more directly affects our senses.
- What is “a new lightness in body and mind”? Rather than describe the feeling, maybe we can show the picture with a metaphor, worded in a way that sounds real, not cliché: “The clouds had mysteriously vanished, leaving nothing but sunshine.”
- “A welcome hope in the heart” would be better if we could describe the action and feeling. Perhaps this would be better: “She took a deep breath, welcoming a feeling that everything was going to be all right.”
- Readers are smart. With the new statement that “everything was going to be all right,” they’re caught in suspense, knowing something is sure to be very wrong.
