Some telling is unavoidable. After all, we are storytellers. The goal of “show, don’t tell” is to move readers from a position of observation to the strongest feel possible of being the character.
Tom’s book is a memoir, which we expect to be telling. That’s the nature of memoir, isn’t it? Telling reflection.
Even then, if we can find ways to heighten the reader’s sense of being instead of seeing the character, we strengthen the memoir.
Great words from Adventures in Darkness by Tom Sullivan:
Looking back over my life, I don’t know that any single moment meant as much in the scheme of who I became as this one. And I know that—other than when my wife, Patty, first said, “I love you”—no three words ever meant more to me than those uttered by eleven-year-old Billy Hannon.
He asked, simply, “Want to play?
Did I hear him right? Do I want to play? Was he kidding? Was this real? Nothing else in the entire eleven years of my existence had ever been this important. I had been waiting, aching, wishing, hoping, needing, pleading, and, most of all, praying for this miracle to occur. And now it had.
“Oh sure,” I said matter-of-factly. “Let’s play.”
What we might see for an improved version:
“Tommy,” Billy said, “want to play?”
Did I hear him right? Do I want to play? Was he kidding? I should pinch myself and see if this was real.
Nothing in the eleven years of my existence had ever been this important. I had waited, ached, and wished for such words. For so long, I had hoped, needed, and pleaded for a time like this. Forever I had prayed for this miracle, and here it was.
“Oh sure,” I said matter-of-factly. “Let’s play.”
Logic for making improvements:
- “Looking back over my life” is obviously a telling reflection. We can leave it out because it’s shown in the character’s thoughts that follow.
- To stay in the present moment, we can’t tell something in the future. The wife’s words are important later, but they are unknown to the eleven-year-old Tommy Sullivan.
- By leaving out the entire first paragraph, we move to the dialogue, action, and thoughts that bring this moment to life.
- Technically, “asked” is redundant since we end the question with a question mark. That’s why many professional writers choose to use “said” instead of “asked.”
- People who know one another don’t keep calling names in dialogue. But in this case, the boys have just met. Appropriately, we might write: “Tommy,” Billy said, “want to play?”
- We have four questioning thoughts, which is wonderful. But readers are most comfortable with groups of three. So let’s make the last question into a statement that describes an action: “I should pinch myself and see if this was real.”
- Since no difference exists in the length of “eleven years” and an “entire eleven years,” we can leave out “entire.”
- The seven progressive-tense –ing words describe ongoing actions, so that’s okay. But Tommy’s thoughts about his past might be better expressed with the simple past tense.
- Seven verbs are used to emphasize how badly he had longed for this moment. We already know that readers like groups of three. So we can strengthen that feeling even more by breaking the seven items into three sentence, the first two containing three items.
- “Now it had” is a telling reflection. “Here it was” brings the past into a present sense.
