Whenever we see the past-perfect tense used with the verb “had,” the author is telling about something that happened earlier. While this is grammatically acceptable, it’s often not the most desirable. As much as possible, we want everything to happen in the present moment, because that condition is the most true-to-life.
Great words from Memory Man by David Baldacci:
The quiet was to be expected. But the too quiet nature of the setting was not. He had not sensed that then and later wondered why not. It was one of many failures on his part that night. He had paused in the kitchen to pour a glass of water from the tap. He chugged it, set the glass in the sink, wiped his chin dry, and headed to the next room.
What we might see for an improved version:
The quiet was to be expected. But the too quiet nature of the setting was not. Why had he not sensed that earlier? One of his many failures that night. In the kitchen, he paused to pour a glass of water from the tap. He chugged it, set the glass in the sink, and wiped his chin dry.
Then he headed to the next room.
Logic for making improvements:
- “He had not sensed . . . and later wondered” is a telling statement about a past condition, which is always true when we see the past-perfect “had” used in a sentence.
- One of the best ways to transform a past condition made by observation into a showing statement is to state the question that the point-of-view character would be asking. Instead of “He had not sensed . . .” we’ll do better with “Why had he not sensed that earlier?”
- “It was” is a weak way to begin a sentence. What was “it”? “One of many failures,” so that’s the best phrase to start the sentence.
- “On his part” is cliché. Instead of “many failures on his part,” we can use “his many failures.”
- In “he had paused in the kitchen,” we can remove the “had.” Readers like knowing the time and place before seeing the action. If we move “in the kitchen” to the beginning of the sentence, we also reduce the repetitive beginning of sentences with “he.”
- The last sentence lists four items, but readers are subtly more pleased with no more than three. We should either delete the least important of the four or split into two sentences.
- Since the last item has nothing to do with his handling of the glass of water, let’s put it into a new paragraph for even greater emphasis.
Thank you, Frank, for sharing your insight. This helps us become better writers.
Learning to write well is like climbing a mountain. We do it one step at a time.