As we write, edit, and rewrite our first, second, and third manuscript drafts, we need to focus on the important point of each paragraph, sharpen it, and drive it home. In each revision, we want to go deeper into the character’s world, narrowing the focus on the concern and desire at that moment. Then we know what to cut that is less important and add what will sharpen the point.
Great words from Adventures in Darkness by Tom Sullivan:
On rainy days, when I was forced to play inside, I used a variety of sound effects to amplify my fantasies. Curtain rods clanged together made for great sword fighting. Old shoes pounded on the carpet became horses galloping over the prairie. Crackling cellophane was a runaway forest fire as, along with Lassie, I saved wild animals from disaster. In all of these episodes, I was a hero. I suppose in characterizing myself this way, I was searching for a positive sense of self-worth. And I found it in the unlimited capacity of the human imagination.
What we might see for an improved version:
On rainy days, I played inside and used sound effects to amplify my fantasies. Curtain rods clanging together formed my mental images of winning a life-threatening sword fight. Shoes pounding on the carpet became horses galloping over the prairie as I chased the bad guys. Crackling cellophane was a runaway forest fire where I ran with my dog Lassie to save the wild animals. In all these stories, I was the hero who saved the day. In characterizing myself this way, I experienced the positive sense of self-worth that comes only from helping others in need. And through the miraculous capacity of the human imagination, I found new ways to enjoy life and make it better.
Logic for making improvements:
- By leaving out “forced,” we add strength to what will be accomplished with the sounds.
- Since we have an ongoing action with the clanging of curtain rods, we improve the image with the progressive-tense “clanging” instead of “clanged.”
- We will sharpen the point by showing the purpose of the clanging swords, so we want to replace “made for great sword fighting” with “formed my mental images of winning a life-threatening sword fight.”
- Since our character is blind, he can’t see “old.” No doubt, he could feel the difference between old and new shoes, but whether they were old or new doesn’t change their sound when they pound the carpet. Therefore, we have a better image by leaving out “old,” which results in a sharper focus on the sound.
- Since we have an ongoing action with the pounding of shoes, we improve the image with the progressive-tense “pounding” instead of “pounded.”
- We will sharpen the point by showing the purpose of the pounding shoes, so we want to add to “became horses galloping over the prairie” something to suggest the goal, so let’s use “as I chased the bad guys.”
- Who is “Lassie,” anyway? Many of today’s audience are more than twenty years after the famous TV series of the 1950s, which continued for two decades. We need to be sure our readers know that “Lassie” was a dog or they’ll miss the point.
- “Along with Lassie” is set off with commas, interrupting the flow of action. We have better focus with “a runaway forest fire where I ran with my dog Lassie to save the wild animals.
- “Episodes” were serial TV adventures of a past age. We don’t use that term as much today. “Stories” might be a better term.
- “I was a hero” can be sharpened by saying a little more about what heroes are. Rarely do we ever want to use a cliché, but maybe we can in this case, because it seems to be a perfect fit: “I was the hero who saved the day.”
- “I was searching for a positive sense of self-worth” but we can sharpen it by adding to “the positive sense of self-worth” the revelation the imagined experiences produce: “the positive sense of self-worth that comes only from helping others in need.”
- In the last sentence, we have a wonderful opportunity to drive the point home by describing the benefit of “the unlimited capacity of the human imagination.” Maybe this is better: “And through the miraculous capacity of the human imagination, I found new ways to enjoy life and make it better.”
Great example of how to make it better.