As a youngster, did you ever slide across the floor in stocking feet? Have you ever smacked your elbow on what we call the “funny bone” and didn’t think it was funny?
Feelings are difficult to describe, which is why we need practice in showing those feelings through actions.
Some great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:
The foyer carpet, small and Persian, slid on the polished-oak tongue and groove, and for a moment she was floor-surfing. Then she wiped out and went down hard on her right side.
When her elbow rapped the oak, wasps of pain took flight along the nerves of her forearm, swarming in her hand. More pain buzzed along her ribs, stung through her hip joint.
What we might see for an improved version:
The small Persian carpet in the foyer slid on the polished-oak tongue-and-groove, and she was floor-surfing. Then she lost her balance and went down hard on her side.
When her elbow hit, wasps of pain took flight along the nerves of her forearm, swarming in her hand. More pain buzzed along her ribs, stung through her hip joint.
Some logic for making improvements:
- “Small and Persian” interrupts the flow from left and right. “Small Persian carpet in the foyer” is better.
- “Tongue and groove” function as a single noun, so those words work better as a single hyphenated word: tongue-and-groove.
- “For a moment” is telling, because at the beginning, the duration cannot be known. To be a part of the moment, we can’t say “for a moment,” but must leave it out.
- Does it matter whether she fell on her right or left side? Not really. Whichever way readers choose, the picture is equally valid. By using “side” instead of “right side,” readers take a microsecond less time in seeing the action.
- “Rapped the oak” sounds like a knock on the door, and the blow was much more severe than that. We don’t have to say what she hit. We already have that information. A simple “when her elbow hit” moves us quickly to the next piece of important information.
- The bee-stinging metaphor for nerve pain is beautiful, so much better than “excruciating pain shot up her forearm.”
