Bestselling authors may write great paragraphs, but we can learn ways to make them even better.
One of the most difficult writing challenges is showing what is going on in a psychopath’s mind. We need pictures because telling readers “the man was crazy” doesn’t give them the feeling of craziness.
Here’s a great paragraph from Intensity by Dean Koontz:
He thinks of Christ on the vertical bed of dogwood, and the idea of the meek inheriting the earth makes him smile. He doesn’t wish to inherit anything. He is a raging fire, powerful and hot; he will burn all the color out of this world, consume every scintilla of sensation that it has to offer, and he will leave behind a realm of ashes. Let the meek inherit ashes.
Here’s what we might see for an improved version:
The image of Christ hanging dead upon the tree turns his thoughts to the meek inheriting the earth. His smile expresses the irony, because inheritance doesn’t interest him. He is a raging forest fire, like God, powerfully hot, all-consuming. After devouring all the life in this world, he will leave behind a barren field of ashes. Let the meek inherit the ashes.
Logic for making improvements:
- Begin with showing the image rather than telling “he thought.”
- Most people can readily picture hanging upon a tree much better than a “vertical bed of dogwood.”
- Why does the man smile? It’s the irony, but we need to say so because many readers won’t take time to figure it out.
- Can we go deeper with the imagery with showing the type of fire and that the man is feeling omnipotent, like God?
- We don’t have an association that would give “burn all the color” any meaning. How do we picture that? Like an oil painting in a fire?
- Semicolons are falling into disuse, usually replaced by periods or maybe a long dash.
- What is a “scintilla of sensation”? Those are high-sounding words but they do little to create an image that will convey the psychopath’s feeling.
- What is a “realm of ashes”? A barren field left after the destruction of a forest fire is better imagery.
Even though I had to re-read “vertical bed of dogwood” to grasp the idea, I like that sentence. Instead of “scintilla” I would put “iota” of sensation. “Realm of ashes” leads one to believe the entire country is burned up, not just a field. Other than that, I feel the original paragraph has more drama.
If I must — this is the best I can do. Rather difficult to improve upon the original, me thinks.
I stared at Christ handing limply on his vertical bed of cedar. “The meek will inherit the earth,” so he said. Doesn’t look like an inheritance to be desired. An uncontrolled fire, white hot, consumed my thoughts. I would blister the color from the earth. Let the meek inherit the ashes.
Dorothy
There’s no right or wrong to this process. The goal is to use what others have done so we can improve our own writing. As great as Mozart was, he copied from the masters to improve his skills.
We need to know our audience well, because the words that appeal to us may not appeal to them. This is especially true when we get older and many of our readers are much younger.