Readers today will appreciate getting the most vivid mental pictures from the fewest number of words.
Great words from Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James:
She hands me a security pass that has “visitor” very firmly stamped on the front. I can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. Nothing changes. I inwardly sigh. Thanking her, I walk over to the bank of elevators and past the two security men who are both far more smartly dressed than I am in their well-cut black suits.
What we might see for an improved version:
She hands me a security pass with “visitor” on the front. I can’t help my smirk. Surely it’s obvious that I’m just visiting. I don’t fit in here at all. Nothing ever changes, does it? I inwardly sigh. “Thanks.” I walk toward the bank of elevators and pass the two guards, who are both far more smartly dressed than I am, in their well-cut black suits.
Logic for making improvements:
- Any time one word will do the job of two words, we want the one word. A security pass “that has” is better if we use the single word “with.”
- We have an immediate picture of a security pass with “visitor” on the front. Has anything been gained by saying it was stamped on the front. As opposed to what, written or printed? We don’t need “stamped.” The word was on the front.
- To stress a needless point, “visitor” was firmly We don’t need “firmly.”
- To further stress an already needless point, “visitor” was very firmly stamped. We don’t need “very,” either.
- “Nothing changes” is internal dialogue, but we don’t know what that observation is relevant to. Was our point-of-view character waiting for someone to make a move? No, the observation was to recognize that this situation was like all others. Better: Nothing ever changes, does it?
- “I inwardly sigh” is a beautiful expression of a hidden emotion.
- “Thanking her” is an introductory participial phrase that sets the condition for the action that follows, but the thanks and the walk to the elevators were sequential, not concurrent actions. We might use the introductory prepositional phrase “after thanking her.” Better yet, let’s use dialogue: “Thanks.”
- What’s the difference between “walking” and “walking over.” The one word is better.
- A small technicality exists in walking to the elevators and toward the elevators. With “to the elevators,” we’re now at the elevators when we’re told that we’re passing two security men before we reach the elevators. Either we walked toward the elevators and passed the two security guards, or we need to rework the sentence, first passing the security guards, then reaching the elevators.
- We need a comma after “security men.” Without the comma, we’re saying that these two men were smartly dressed, as opposed to all the other security men who were not.
- We need a comma after “than I am” because “in their well-cut black suits” modifies the men, not the point-of-view character.
- Which is better, “security men” or “security guards”? Evidently, it’s important to know these two were men, not women, but does it really matter whether readers picture men or women as the guards? Since “security guards” is redundant, we could use the one word: “guards.”
