Master in Messes
by Pat McNatt

I am a nurse, and sometimes we nurses have to do some unpleasant things. I’ve worked in several different specialties, all the way from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, and several places in between. I’ve been in the medical field for forty years, but for the past ten years, I’ve been employed as a pediatric GI nurse. Therefore, we do endoscopies and colonoscopies every day. I definitely earned my master’s degree in messes when it comes to my profession, but I also earned a Master of Messes when it comes to life.

When I was in high school, I had a lot of friends who were boys, but I didn’t have any “boyfriends.” While my friends were all dating, I sat at home. So I made the statement I was going to marry the first person that asked me, because I was afraid no one else would propose. That is exactly what I did. I graduated in May, and married in June. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was ten, but hadn’t experienced any spiritual growth, so I didn’t realize I was supposed to pray about whom I was going to marry. That is when I enrolled in my first course to earn my Master of Messes.

I wanted either two or four children. God gave me four, but he only intended for me to raise three. I adopted my first child, a three-month-old little boy, when I was twenty-one. If you think hard, you can probably guess what happened next. Yes, the next year I gave birth to another little baby boy.

However, that was the one God did not intend for me to raise. The doctor came into my room at midnight and said he wasn’t sure the baby was going to make it. Of course, I was crying and praying all night long. The next morning the doctor returned and asked if I wanted to go to the nursery with him. Of course, I said yes. I waited outside the nursery while he went inside, examined him, and pronounced him dead. That was the first time in my life I felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces and would never be the same. Little did I know there would be many more instances in the future.

Three years later, we lived on the island of Guam. I sent letters out to several different medical facilities regarding the adoption of another child. I got one response. There was a little two-year-old girl in Thailand available for adoption. Within a matter of a few months, we completed the process. I was happy for a short time. I had a boy and girl. What more could I ask for? However, it wasn’t long before I started having that deep longing desire to have another baby. Three years later, God blessed me with a healthy baby girl. It took ten years to conceive this little bundle of joy.

As you can see, having a family wasn’t easy for me, but it was a piece of cake compared to raising them. There weren’t any traumatic experiences until they started school. That is when I enrolled in my second course toward my Master of Messes.

My son had low self-esteem from the beginning. He struggled at everything he did. When I went to my first parent teacher conference, I knew they were going to tell me, besides being cute and adorable, he was also extremely intelligent. I was disappointed when all my son’s teacher said was that he spent a lot of time in the hall. Once he got into junior high, things became very difficult. He was on drugs long before I knew anything about it. Then he started running away from home. We tried public schools, private school, counseling and rehab several times. Each time he would promise us the moon, but he was never able to follow through.

One night I was crying myself to sleep, as I often did, and I was having a one-sided conversation with God. I told him not to put anything else on me, because I couldn’t take anymore. I eventually went to sleep, but received a phone call at two in the morning. It was a hospital in Colorado asking for permission to treat my son because he overdosed on drugs. One of the first thoughts I had was, I guess God will tell me when I have had enough and when I haven’t. He was in Colorado, and we lived in Oklahoma. How he got to Colorado, I will never know.

The last semester of his senior year I received a call from the school saying he walked out of class again. They were done with him. He left home to be on his own and continued his unhealthy lifestyle.

My oldest daughter was two when we adopted her. She was cute and jabbered all the time, but could not speak a word of English. I could tell her to do something and she would just look at me. Her brother would say, “Momma said…” and tell her what I said. Funny, she understood everything he told her. The amusing part is when she started speaking English, she began every sentence with “Momma said…” because that is what her big brother did.

She never had any problem with self-esteem. She was confident and did well in school until the sixth grade. It was at that time she tried to tell me her dad sexually abused her. The two of them were like oil and water. In my mind, I thought she was trying to get him into trouble, or perhaps she wanted some of the attention her brother was getting. Besides, that is what happens in other families, right? It was never mentioned again.

Once my daughter entered junior high, she thought school was a great place to go and socialize, but she had no desire to go to class. Her brother was in high school at the time, and I was getting several calls every week regarding one of them. She insisted if she went to a private school she would do better. We enrolled her in a private school and before the semester was up, history repeated itself. She ran away once, and the police picked her up a week later. After she got into high school she left home again, and eventually moved to California.

We all know it is during the difficult times in our life that we grow spiritually. Trust me, I was doing a lot of growing. I was attending ladies Bible studies, going to conferences and retreats. I turned to the fourth chapter of Philippians, often because it is known as the joy chapter. I would read it over and over. I can’t tell you how many times I have quoted, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13 NKJ).

The only steady job my husband had was seven years in the Air Force. The rest of the time I was the primary provider for the family. We didn’t have a good home life. He was hard on the kids, and life was very stressful. I realized I was severely depressed. After coming home from work, I would cry or sleep all evening. After twenty-three years of marriage, I filed for divorce. It was at that time I found out my husband committed adultery numerous times, and I was convinced what my daughter told me years earlier about being abused was true. That is something I will have to live with forever.

Now I have graduated, with honors.

I spent twenty-three years in a bad marriage, my son ruined his life with drugs, and my ex-husband abused my oldest daughter. I also filed bankruptcy. I felt like such a failure. That was the lowest point in my life. I knew God was in control, but I struggled. I couldn’t find where I belonged. I didn’t want to go to a ladies’ Bible study, and I didn’t feel like I fit in a couples’ class.

A few months later, our Minister to College Students asked me to work in the college ministry. I was very hesitant; after all, I didn’t have a very good track record with teenagers. He encouraged me to give it a try. The next Sunday I went to their Sunday school class and I loved it. They were full of life and energy. They didn’t care I was by myself, because they were by themselves, too. Before long, I started going to their Wednesday night Bible study, which consisted of about 200 students who met at ten p.m. on the Oklahoma University campus. That is when the healing began!

God showed me he still had a purpose and plan for my life. Joel 2:25 says, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” I found myself leading girls’ Bible studies, going on mission trips, and attending conferences. I was able to do things I had never done as a young person because I married so young. However, after seven years I felt like God was telling me my time was up there, and he had something else for me. I didn’t know where I was going to live, where I would be working, or where I would be going to church. But, I didn’t have an ounce of fear. God did so many amazing things in my life I couldn’t wait to see what was next. He provided everything I needed, when I needed it.

At the suggestion of my pastor, I attended a different church with a large adult singles ministry. It was there I met my second husband, and we married later that year. When we tied the knot, he was working for Mardel’s. The following year he took a job with LifeWay, and we moved to Texas. He managed the LifeWay store in Plano for seven years; then they closed it. We were shocked. Because of his age, he had a very difficult time finding a job, and we were not prepared for him to retire. A friend suggested we open our own store. He had been in retail all his life; opening stores for other companies, and had been in Christian retail for twelve years.

We prayed about it, and felt like that is what God wanted us to do. We spent nearly every dime we had, and opened Abundant Life Christian store in McKinney.

It was beautiful. On the front door was the verse in John that says, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10 ESV). Over the Bibles was the verse in Isaiah: “The grass withers, the flowers fade, but the word of God will stand forever” (Isaiah 40:8 ESV). Over the Bible studies was Ephesians 3:20: “He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” We were so proud of it.

The first year wasn’t bad. But, by the end of the second year it was evident, due to the economy and construction, we needed to close the store. To say I prayed about the store is an understatement. I cried, begged, and pleaded with God for our store to be successful. I knew if God wanted our store to be successful it would be successful.

He is bigger than all those things. And, for some reason God said no. I found myself filing for bankruptcy for the second time in my life. The first time I was angry. This time I was sad. God hurt my feelings. We were doing our best, and our best wasn’t good enough. I will admit it took me a long time to get over this. But God was patient with me. I finally realized I don’t have to like or understand everything God does, but I do have to accept it. After all, I know he makes no mistakes.

A couple of years later, I received a call on a Thursday night from my oldest daughter. She and her brother were both living in Nevada. She called to tell me my son, who I hadn’t seen in seven years, was in the hospital again and they didn’t think he would make it through the weekend. I said, “You tell him mom is coming” and she did just that. I was able to get a direct flight early the next morning. I didn’t have a clue what I would find when I got there. When she picked me up at the airport, she told me he was sitting up in the bed talking, but the doctor expected him to go downhill after I arrived.

We spent the whole day together talking about everything. He reassured me of his salvation and told me what his wishes were. That evening I went to dinner with my daughter and then on to my hotel room. He called me at 10:00 p.m. and said, “I just called to say I love you.” I said, “I love you too, and I will see you in the morning.”

I arrived the next morning to find out he crashed during the night and they intubated him. That is the one thing he did not want. As a matter of fact, he would look at me and motion to take it out. I signed the papers and had it removed. He rallied for a short time. Every once in a while he would sit straight up and say, “Mom.” I would hold and comfort him until he fell back asleep. He eventually went into a deep coma and never woke up again. Several hours later he took his last breath. My son ruined his health with drugs, and due to his lifestyle, he never came home.

We expect to someday sit beside a parent and say goodbye. We know there is a fifty-fifty chance we will have to say goodbye to our spouse. However, we never entertain the idea of sitting at the bedside of one of our children and saying goodbye to them. I am thankful God allowed us to have that final time together on this side of heaven, so we’d have closure. He allowed me to hold my son and sing to him. I was able to look him in the face and tell him I loved him. For that I will always be grateful.

Often times, there is good that comes out of bad. My son’s death resurrected my relationship with my oldest daughter. I have now lost two children I don’t want to lose another. My daughter never came home either because of her lifestyle. Twenty years prior to this time she called me from California to tell me she was gay. That put a strain on our relationship, because I didn’t know how to deal with it.

A couple of years ago I went through Stephen Ministries training. The one phrase I heard over and over was, “It is not about you.” I finally got it. I realized the reason I was having such a hard time accepting my daughter’s lifestyle is because I was making it all about me; my pride, my self-esteem, my failure as a parent. It was like a huge weight taken off my shoulders. I now had the ability to love her the way I should have all along. She hasn’t changed, but God has changed me. In spite of the difficult times in my life, I am blessed beyond measure. If God was going to give me one child that was easy to raise, I am glad he saved her until last because I was tired. She graduated from high school with honors. She married after her first year of college but, in spite of being married and working, she graduated in four years with honors. Her goal was to pass her CPA exam, buy a house, and then have a baby. She did just that.

She and my son-in-law have given me two beautiful grandchildren who live a couple of miles from us. I have been a large part of their lives since they were babies, and God has taught me so much through them. They truly are the light of my life. I feel like I have been given a second chance with a family.

I am doing things with my grandchildren I never did with my own children, because I was so busy making a living and doing what I thought were the important things.

I know all grandchildren are special, but let me tell you why these two are extra special. I have a grandson from my oldest daughter I will never know, and two granddaughters from my son I will never know. Therefore, I absolutely cherish every moment I have with my two beautiful grandchildren.

You see, being a Christian doesn’t mean life is going to be easy. What is does mean is that we have someone who loves us unconditionally, and we can call on Him twenty-four hours a day. He knows our heartaches and sees every tear that we shed. Nothing catches him by surprise and he will meet our every need. The common thread throughout my testimony is God’s provision. He always provided everything I needed spiritually, physically, emotionally, and financially. I may have a Master of Messes, but God, through his grace, also awarded me a Doctorate in Restoration, even though I did not deserve it.

Pat McNatt is a speaker and author of “From Restoration … to Rejoicing.” She leads Women’s Ministry at her home church, and serves as a Roaring Lambs Testimony Workshop Facilitator. To schedule her to speak at your next ladies event or to schedule a Testimony Workshop, go to pat@patmcnatt.com.