If Roddy took the easy route, he would simply narrate his story, telling what happened to Joseph. That meant readers would assume a distant position, like watching a tragedy on the evening news.
Readers would observe the storm as it churned the skies, but they wouldn’t be present to feel the violent winds and want to shield themselves from the torrential rain. To engage them in a life-changing experience, Roddy had to kill the narrator and put readers on the ship, not telling, but showing what happened. He picked up the pen and rewrote the scene’s opening paragraph.
Joseph heard a thunderous crack of lightning and watched the cabin explode, which threw him against the railing. He knew the radio was fried, eliminating any opportunity to call ashore. Frantically, his hands reached for the slick, polished brass, but he couldn’t hold on, because of the wave crashing over the side of the boat. “Help!” he yelled. He spoke in a desperate tone that suggested little chance that some rescuer could lay hidden beyond the sheets of rain.
Still not satisfied, he wrote the paragraph again, pushing for words that would make readers believe they were Joseph fighting for his life.
Boom! Lightning exploded the cabin in a thunderous crack, throwing Joseph against the railing. The radio? Fried. As he would have been, had he been any closer. How could he get help now? As a wave crashed onto the deck, he reached for the brass bar, but he couldn’t hold his grip. “Help! Oh, God, save me.” His words drowned in the roar of wind and rain. He was going to die.
To experience the emotion, readers needed to be soaked from the torrential rain and waves crashing over the deck. They needed to feel their grip slipping from the rail, sure they were about to be swept overboard.
Kill the narrator. In your story, if you describe only what your main character would observe, do, and say, readers will join the struggle.
Dear Frank,I really enjoyed your examples of the process of getting from “telling” to “showing.” Good reminders. Thanks.Polly