Internal Dialogue

Bestselling authors may write great paragraphs, but we can learn ways to make them even better.

For readers to appreciate the threat upon Chyna’s life, they need to feel like they are sitting in her chair, not just watching from a distance. We’re looking for ways to deepen her point of view as she describes her situation.

Here are two great paragraphs from Intensity by Dean Koontz:

The sound of her voice, droning through the events of the night, scared her as Edgler Vess no longer did. Her account came to her as if she were listening to someone else speak, and it was the voice of a lost and defeated person.
She told herself that she was not defeated, that she still had hope, that she would get the best of this murderous bastard one way or another. But her inner voice lacked all conviction.

Here’s what we might see for an improved version:

The droning of her inner voice about the night’s events scared her even more than Edgler Vess. Her recollection came to her as if she were listening to someone else speak, which brought an inner trembling. The voice was of a lost and defeated person.
I’m not defeated, she told herself. She still had hope. I’ll get that murderous bastard one way or another. But her inner voice lacked complete conviction.

Logic for making improvements:

1. Droning, sound, and voice all refer to sound, so we’ll improve the sentence if we can carry that concept with two words instead of three as “the droning of her voice.”
2. “Events of the night” is better expressed in fewer words, as “night’s events.”
3. What is “her account,” something to do with her bank balance? “Her recollection” is better.
4. How did Chyna feel when she heard her inner voice of a lost and defeated person? If we add “inner trembling,” readers won’t have to guess.
5. “She told herself that she was not defeated” is narrative description, a weaker point of view than hearing her inner dialogue, stated in italics.
6. Lacked “all” conviction? “Complete” is better.