What is real to the author may not seem real to readers. When the scene seems less than believable, not entirely true to life, then readers become disengaged to some degree. Therefore, we must strive to make our scenes as realistic as possible.
Here’s a great paragraph from Angels Walking by Karen Kingsbury.
Tyler glanced at the stands. Four scouts from the Cincinnati Reds were here. If things went well he could bypass triple A and join the Big Leagues. As early as next week. The Majors. His dream since winning the Little League World Series twelve years ago. Six years making minimum wage, trekking around down South on a bus would all be worth it after tonight. He could do it. He had never pitched like this.
Let’s see if we can make it more realistic.
Tyler glanced at the stands. Scouts from several pro teams were there, including the Yankees. If he pitched well enough, he might bypass Triple A and join the Big Leagues. They could call him up next week. Playing among the big pros had been his dream for the last twelve years, ever since he pitched the winning game of the Little League World Series. Six years making minimum wage, trekking around the South on a bus would be worth it all after tonight. He could do it. He had never pitched so well before.
Logic for making improvements:
- What baseball organization would pay four scouts to attend the same game? Not likely in today’s economy. We’d do better to say there were scouts from several pro teams, and name only the most important one.
- “Four scouts . . . were here” says the scouts were with the pitcher on the mound, which isn’t correct. They were “there,” in the stands.
- “If things went well” is abstract, so we lose a sense of realism. Remember that the word things doesn’t really tell us much of anything. Better: “If he pitched well enough . . .”
- We add realism to “as early as next week” giving the associated action: “They could call him up next week.”
- We can improve “the Majors” by showing how he saw himself in his dreams, “playing among the big pros.”
- “Since winning the Little League World series” can be made more intense by showing his role. Better: “ever since he pitched the winning game of the Little League World Series.”
- In “down South on a bus” we are given a direction, and “south” should not be capitalized. In referring to a locality, we want “around the South,” capitalizing “South.”
