We can make the picture stronger if we find ways to focus on “what is” rather than “what is not.”
Great words from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins:
I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s not just that I’ve put on weight, or that my face is puffy from the drinking and the lack of sleep; it’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move.
What we might see for an improved version:
I am not the girl I used to be, all pretty and prim. I’m now undesirable—off-putting in some way. Yes, I’ve put on weight, but it’s more than the pounds and more than my face made puffy from drinking and little sleep. Apparently, people see the damage written all over me—in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move.
Logic for making improvements:
- Adding “all pretty and prim” gives readers definition of how she used to be.
- Saying what we are is stronger than saying what we are not. Better than “I am no longer desirable” is “I’m now undesirable.”
- “It’s not just that I’ve put on weight” again focuses on what isn’t true. We do better to focus on the present reality: “Yes, I’ve put on weight.”
- Rather than saying it’s not the weight gain or the puffy face, we point forward to what is reality by saying “it’s more than that.”
- Readers prefer short sentences, so we want a period after sleep instead of the semicolon.
- “Apparently” is more tightly in her point of view than “it’s as if,” and we avoid beginning another sentence with “it.”
- Since the observers are obviously not blind, we want to avoid “can see” and use “see.”
