How much drama can be written into the simple process of answering the phone? Answer: quite a bit if we can find the details that describe the emotional journey.
Great words from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins:
My phone buzzes in my handbag, making me jump. Two girls sitting across the carriage look at me and then at each other, with a sly exchange of smiles. I don’t know what they think of me, but I know it isn’t good. My heart is pounding in my chest as I reach for the phone. I know this will be nothing good, either: it will be Cathy, perhaps, asking me ever so nicely to maybe give the booze a rest this evening? Or my mother, telling me that she’ll be in London next week, she’ll drop by the office, we can go for lunch. I look at the screen. It’s Tom. I hesitate for just a second and then I answer it.
What we might see for an improved version:
My phone buzzes in my handbag, making me jump. Two girls across the aisle look at me, then at each other with a sly exchange of smiles. What do they think of me? Nothing good, I’m sure. My heart beats harder as I reach for the phone. This call won’t be good either. Cathy will ask, ever so nicely, to give the booze a rest. Or Mother will say she’ll be in London next week, she’ll drop by the office, and we can go for lunch. I look at the screen. It’s Tom. I hesitate, then answer.
Logic for making improvements:
- “Buzzes” is a great word, better than the expected “rings” or “vibrates.”
- “Making me jump” is active, better than the telling style of “startling me.”
- “Across the aisle” might be better than “across the carriage” because the aisle is directly in her line of sight.
- “I don’t know what they think of me” is a telling statement. The direct question, “What do they think of me?” tightens the point of view.
- “I know it isn’t good” has a sense of telling. “Nothing good, I’m sure” sounds like a direct observation.
- “Pounding hearts” is cliché. Editors don’t like that description because it’s so overused, a sign of weak writing. We make a strong paragraph even stronger by eliminating this weakness, writing, “My heart beats harder.”
- “I know this will be nothing good” is a telling statement. We want to avoid “I know.” Better: “This call won’t be good either.”
- We strengthen the feeling by taking each speculation about the incoming call individually, showing each one as the current reality. Instead of “it will be Cathy, perhaps” we want “Cathy will ask,” dropping the “perhaps.”
- “Maybe give the booze a rest this evening?” is not a question and shouldn’t end with a question mark. “This evening” is obvious and can be deleted.
- “My mother” is a telling description. Naming her as “Mother” makes the speculation more direct, a tighter point of view.
- “For just a second” is redundant, included in the meaning of “hesitate.”
- The “it” in “answer it” is obvious and can be deleted.
