Many well-read authors now write in first-person point of view, present tense, which forces readers into the character’s perspective and intensifies the present moment. This style takes practice to write well, so we should look at a great paragraph and see if we can make it better.
Great words from The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks:
I shift, feeling a lightning bolt shoot from my arm up to my collarbone. The world goes black. Agony. I breathe in and out, waiting for the white-hot agony to pass. Dear God, please. It is all I can do not to scream, but then, miraculously, it begins to fade. I breathe evenly, trying to keep the tears at bay, and when it finally recedes, I feel exhausted. I could sleep forever and never wake up. I close my eyes. I’m tired, so tired.
What we might see for an improved version:
I shift, and lightning flashes from my arm to my collarbone. The world goes black. Agony. I breathe in and out, wanting the white-hot pain to pass. Dear God, please. I’m on the verge of screaming when, miraculously, the pain fades. I breathe evenly, restraining the flow of tears, and when my muscles relax, I am exhausted. I could sleep forever and never wake up. I close my eyes. I’m tired, so tired.
Logic for making improvements:
- “Feeling a lightning bolt” is a telling statement. If we can rework the first sentence without the word “feeling,” readers are taken directly to what the character feels.
- A lightning bolt is seen in the distance, but lightning flashes reach where we are. A better first sentence might be: “I shift, and lightning flashes from my arm to my collarbone.”
- “Wanting” might be a better word than “waiting,” engaging the emotions slightly more.
- Since we’ve already used the word “agony” as a stand-alone statement covering a spectrum of physical and emotional suffering, let’s avoid repeating “agony” and focus on the specific “white-hot pain.”
- “It is all I can do not to scream” has two areas we might improve: First, we strengthen the sentence if we don’t begin with “it.” Next, we do better to state what something is instead of saying what it is not. Better: “I’m on the verge of screaming.”
- “It begins to fade” also has two areas we might improve: First, we strengthen the clause if we don’t begin with “it.” Next, we do better to show the action instead of focusing on the beginning of the action. Better: “the pain fades.”
- “Trying to keep the tears at bay” states the effort but not the results. Usually, we strengthen a sentence by going directly to the action, eliminating “try.” Better: “restraining the flow of tears.”
- “It finally recedes” has two areas we might improve: First, we strengthen the sentence if we don’t begin with “it.” Next, the clause tells what happens, but we miss seeing the results. Better: “my muscles relax.”
