Sensory Perception

Bestselling authors may write great paragraphs, but we can learn ways to make them even better.

Here’s a great paragraph from Intensity by Dean Koontz:

As he drives, he eats one of the Hershey bars. The silkiness of melting chocolate on his tongue reminds him of the music of Angelo Badalamenti, and the music of Badalamenti brings to mind the waxy surface of a scarlet anthurium, and the anthurium sparks an intensely sensual recollection of the cool taste and crispness of cornichons, which for several seconds completely overwhelms the actual taste of the chocolate.

Here’s what we might see for an improved version:

As he drives, he bites into one of the Hershey bars. The silkiness of the chocolate melting on his tongue reminds him of the soothing music of Angelo Badalamenti in Blue Velvet, which brings to mind the waxy surface of a scarlet anthurium, sparking an intensely sensual recollection of a sweet pickle’s cool taste, for a moment overwhelming the chocolate flavor.

Some logic for making improvements:

1. The action of biting the Hershey bar is stronger than just saying he eats it.
2. “Chocolate melting” has a better feel of action than “melting chocolate.”
3. Readers get to the meaning more quickly if we eliminate the repeating of Badalamenti and anthurium.
4. Many readers won’t know who Badalamenti is, and they won’t take time to look it up, so adding a song title would give them a better feel for what this music was like—not Rock and Roll, Big Band, or Country.
5. You might know what a “cornichon” is, but most readers won’t. “Sweet pickle” is better.
6. Is there a difference between “actual taste” and “taste”? Leave out “actual.”
7. We’ve already used “cool taste,” so instead of “taste of the chocolate,” let’s use the shorter “chocolate flavor.”