Chronicles of an Ex-Muslim
by Rabia Smith

Do you remember who your first love was? The first person you ever had a crush on? Or first time you thought you were in love?

Growing up, I was exposed to all sorts of romance movies and westerns. I fell in love with actor, Rock Hudson, at the tender age of eight. My plan was to come to America when I grew up and find Rock Hudson. He would take one look at me, and he would fall in love with me too. We would get married and live happily ever after. Oh, the imagination of a child!

While I never met Rock Hudson, I did realize my dream of coming to America. But first, I want to take you on a trip with me to my birthplace. Do you like to travel? We will fly over the oceans and seas to a continent called Africa, specifically to the Southern tip of Africa, South Africa, and to a town called Durban, the busiest port in South Africa.

I want to share about my early life so you can see how God’s totally unearned forgiveness was evident in my life even before we officially “met.”

I was conceived late in my parents’ lives. My father was born in 1927, and my mother was born in 1939. I am the twelfth child out of thirteen. I grew up in a very religious Islamic household. My parents were devout Sunni Muslims. My family was, and still is, one of the religious leaders in our community. My mother founded a Madrasah (Islamic School) that was built on her property. Our day started very early. At 4 a.m., the entire neighborhood was awakened by the sound of a man singing in Arabic, over loud speakers. This singing is called the Adhan. Adhan is the call to prayer and all Muslim believers have to respond. This call to prayer invoked many feelings in me, including fear and pride.

This is what we’d hear over loud speakers:

Arabic: Allahu Akbar
English: God is Great. (x4)

Arabic: Ashhadu an la ilaha illa Allah
English: I bear witness that there is no god except the One God. (x2)

Arabic: Hayya ‘ala-s-Salah
English: Hurry to the prayer. (Rise up for prayer) (x2)

Arabic: Hayya ‘ala-l-Falah
English: Hurry to success. (Rise up for Salvation) (x2)

Arabic: Allahu Akbar English: God is Great. (x2) Arabic: La ilaha illa Allah
English: There is no god except the one God.

For the pre-dawn (fajr) prayer, the following phrase is inserted after the fifth part above, towards the end:

Arabic: As-salatu Khayrun Minan-nawm
English: Prayer is better than sleep. (x2)

One of my earliest memories was sitting on my mother’s lap in Islamic school reciting the Quran, which is the Islamic sacred book. I remember coming to a particular Arabic phrase I could not remember. Each time I could not remember, I was beaten.

That was the day I realized I had to be perfect. That was the day that fear became my foundation.

Besides having a strong religious background, there was also sexual and physical abuse in the household. I was angry and fearful, so I injected all my energy into schoolwork and became one of my mother’s best students. There was constant chatter that I would continue this family legacy of my mother’s ministry. My training as an Islamic Evangelist
began; but I still had many questions. The type of questions I asked were not encouraged.

Why was Allah so angry?

Why did He want to punish me?

I felt like Allah was an oppressive figure looming over me. Even though I was praying five times a day there was no comfort. Even though I felt all these things, I never entertained the thought that there was something apart from Islam. This was my life. Even when asked, “If you died today, where would go?” I would reply, “Hell.” I knew I was Hell-bound. I accepted my fate.

Something was missing, but what?

My curious nature spilled over to other people. There was a lady that lived with us. She was a Zulu woman by the name of Bongisele. Every day Bongisele would take a black book that was wrapped in a red scarf off the shelf and read it. I would follow her around during the day. I asked her if she would teach me how to read Zulu from the black book she carefully wrapped daily. Our conversation went something like this:

Rabia: “Bongisele, please teach me to read Zulu.”

Bongisele: “No. The madam would be angry if she saw you reading this book.”

Rabia: “Please! I won’t tell her. Teach me when she leaves.”

I nagged her for weeks, then one afternoon when my mother left, Bongisele sat me in her lap and our lessons began. I was so excited! I could read Zulu. I didn’t understand what I reading; I was just excited I was able to read Zulu. What I realized later is, I was reading the Bible. Bongisele planted the first seed.

In 1995, I fulfilled my dream of seeing the United States when I enrolled in college in the U.S. I was supposed to obtain a degree in nursing and return home after I completed
my degree. My brother and sister-in-law already lived in the United States, so I was able to stay with them. In exchange for room and board, I babysat my niece (who had severe cerebral palsy) during the day and went to school at night. At one point my niece became very ill. I would watch her looking at other kids playing and I longed for her to be normal. My heart was breaking because I wanted her to be whole. I started praying extra prayers but she got worse.

One day, as I was sitting in front of the television flipping through channels, I remembered something my mother taught me. She said, “It is permissible to accept prayer from a Jew or a Christian because they are people of the book.” I stumbled upon The 700 Club. I dialed the number that was scrolling at the bottom of the screen. A woman answered the phone and I said to her, “Look I know you Christians talk about being born again, but I don’t need your Jesus. I need you to pray for my niece who is sick.” The woman prayed, and something happened. I could not comprehend the presence I felt. It was strange, yet peaceful. I felt like I was wrapped in a bubble. I was there, but was I?

What happened was nothing like I ever imagined. I realized that Jesus could be more than just a Prophet. (In Islam, Jesus is revered as one of the Major Prophets.) I remained in a state of confusion and turmoil for eight years. Could my entire life be a lie? I kept asking myself, “How could this be?” I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had to find out.

However, I was afraid to denounce Islam because of my family. Fear and loyalty had been imputed into me. As I child I would always say, “I was born a Muslim and I’ll die a Muslim.” I struggled to wrap my head around the fact that Jesus was God. It was against everything I was ever taught. Deep down, I knew that Jesus was more special than what I was taught. He just felt right. But fear had a stronger hold. This was the beginning of my spiritual journey.

In June of 2006, I had another experience with God when he revealed Proverbs, 3:5-6 to me in a vision. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

There was no more doubt. I believed with all my heart. I wanted the world to know about my newfound faith; so on June 13, 2006, I was baptized.

My life changed drastically after I was born again. Was it a smooth transition? Absolutely not. Was my family accepting of my conversion? No, they were not. During the early years, did I ever consider going back to Islam? No, I never entertained that thought. You see, God became a very close companion and real to me. He delighted in me. I did not know much back then, but I was certain of one thing, He loved me. I had never experienced a love like this. He was always near. We were in constant fellowship. I fell madly and deeply in love.

I began to meditate on the Word of God and my mindset changed. I understood my rights in Christ. I became Christ conscious and knew my identity. My mind was renewed. The fear that bound me my entire life left me. I knew who I was and the more I studied the Word, the stronger I became. The Word took root in my Spirit. I began to eat the Word veraciously. My thirst for the Word became unquenchable. I simply cannot get enough.

One of my favorite scriptures is Hebrews 4:12, “That the Word of God is alive and active, sharper than any two edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” This Scripture really touches me deeply. You see no matter what walk of life you come from or what your past looks like, you are now a new creation in Christ. This Word of God, builds, breaks, removes, cleans, fixes, empowers, transforms and molds you into who God says you are. When this Word gets into your spirit, remnants of your past will not be visible. Your life becomes a wonder. No longer will you be bound by the opinion of man. The Word of God establishes you. I am unashamedly in love. A woman after God’s own heart, just like King David from the Bible. I would change nothing, irrespective of all the relationships I’ve lost. I’ve gained so much more. I am complete in Him.

My story is a love story that I must share, because it’s about an enduring, eternal love, so much deeper than any schoolgirl crush. The love I receive from God is more fulfilling than my faith background could provide and I am thankful he introduced himself to me.

What about you? Do you desire a love greater than you can imagine? Then ask God to reveal his love to you. That’s the beautiful thing about the Lord. He has more than enough love to cover the globe, from America to Africa, and anywhere in between.

Rabia Smith is a woman who is after God’s own heart. She is a native of Durban, South Africa and has made Dallas, Texas her home. Rabia is a former Muslim. Her passion is for the lost and to empower believers to live victorious lives through the Word of God.