Great writing can almost always be improved if we stop and think about what words might be stronger, what would create a more vivid picture.
Great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:
Martie put down the roll of candies and took the paperback from him. She didn’t open the book or even fan the pages with her thumb, as he might have expected, but she held it in both hands, staring at the title, held it very tightly, as though trying to squeeze out its origins as she might squeeze juice from an orange.
What we might see for an improved version:
Martie dropped her roll of mints and snatched the paperback from him. She didn’t open it or even fan the pages as he expected. She held the book in both hands and stared at the title, tightly gripping it like someone trying to squeeze out its message as one forces juice from an orange.
Logic for making improvements:
- “Dropped” is a stronger action than “put down.”
- “Candies” is general. “Mints” is better because it’s specific, therefore creating a stronger picture.
- “Snatched” is a stronger action than “took.”
- “Might have expected” is hypothetical. “As expected” is stronger because it’s present and real.
- “Tightly gripping” is a stronger action than “held it very tightly.”
- “As one forces juice” is stronger than “as she might squeeze”
- Notice that “held” was used twice. We build strength by following held with gripped.
- Notice that “squeeze” was used twice. We build strength by following squeeze with force.
- The meaning of the book’s “origins” is vague. Its “message” is stronger.
