Author Tom Sullivan is blind, but he has enjoyed a wonderful career that shows how our handicaps can become springboards to exceptional success. Sighted people tend to regard fences as something ordinary, not something to be concerned about. But Tommy helps us visualize something other than wooden planks, showing deep emotion in this impenetrable barrier.
Great words from Adventures in Darkness by Tom Sullivan:
Over the past six months, a house had been built next to ours. I loved the sounds of the men at work and the smell of new wood, freshly cut. There was something hopeful and clean about it. Now it was finished, and a large moving van had pulled into the driveway. More men went to work, moving a family in, and while it was happening, I heard the excited voices of—of what?
Two children, who sounded about my age, were talking on the other side of the fence. Boys or girls? I wondered. Could it be possible that little boys about my age are moving right next door? My heart fairly leaped—and, just as suddenly, I was sad once more. Why should I get excited? Between them and me was . . . the fence. It was no different from the kids who played in the school playground or on the local baseball field. I was in here, and they were out there.
What we might see for an improved version:
Over the past six months, a house was built next to ours. I loved the sounds of the men hammering and sawing. The new wood, freshly cut, smelled hopeful and clean.
Now the house was finished, and what had to be a large moving van pulled into the driveway. The strains and grunts of workers told me what was happening. The family was moving in. Then I heard the excited voices of—of what?
Two voices, sounding about my age, came from the other side of the fence. Could it be that boys my age were moving right next door? My heart fairly leaped—and just as suddenly, I was sad once more. Why should I get excited? Between them and me was . . . the fence, no different from when kids played during school recess or were on the baseball field.
I was in here, and they were out there.
Logic for making improvements:
- “Over the past ten months” puts the event in the past, so we don’t need the past-perfect tense “had been.” The simple present tense “was built” is better.
- “Sounds of the men at work” is great, but it doesn’t reveal what Tommy heard. Instead of “men at work,” let’s use “hammering and sawing.”
- “There was” is the weakest way to begin a sentence, so we want to avoid that beginning whenever we can. We can take the information from the end of the first sentence and use it to show what was “hopeful and clean.” We can avoid the use of “it” with the revised sentence: “The new wood, freshly cut, smelled hopeful and clean.”
- “Now it was finished” is a new point of focus that calls for a paragraph break. We need to replace “it” with what it is: “the house.”
- Even though he is blind, Tommy might recognize the sound of a large truck and believe a large moving van had pulled into the driveway. To avoid any doubt in the reader’s mind, we should show his reasoning with “what had to be a moving van.”
- The word “large” should be deleted because Tommy can’t see how big the van is.
- “More men went to work” is something Tommy can’t see. For a better sense of the blind perspective, we do better with “The strains and grunts of workers told me what was happening.”
- How did Tommy know two children were on the other side of the fence. He didn’t see them, but he heard their voices. Instead of “two children, who sounded about my age,” we could say, “Two voices, sounding about my age.”
- We can delete “Boys or girls? I wondered” because we would expect the tone of voice to tell him and the wondering is obvious from the sentence that follows. By eliminating those words, we strengthen his wondering.
- “It was” is a weak sentence beginning. We do better to make a trailing explanatory phrase, deleting “it was.”
- “Played in the school playground” is redundant. What else would they do on the playground. Let’s use “when kids played during school recess.”
- “Local” is obvious and should be deleted, since we know the baseball field is withing Tommy’s hearing distance.
- “I was in here, and they were out there” is made a strong point of focus by putting it in its own paragraph.
