Great words from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins:
The train isn’t stopping today, it trundles slowly past. I can hear the wheels clacking over the points, can almost feel it rocking. I can’t see the faces of the passengers and I know they’re just commuters heading to Euston to sit behind desks, but I can dream: of more exotic journeys, of adventures at the end of the line and beyond. In my head, I keep travelling back to Holkham; it’s odd that I still think of it, on mornings like this, with such affection, such longing, but I do. The wind in the grass, the big slate sky over the dunes, the house infested with mice and falling down, full of candles and dirt and music. It’s like a dream to me now.
I feel my heart beating just a little too fast.
What we might see for an improved version:
The train isn’t stopping but trundles slowly past. As the wheels clack-clickety-clack, I almost feel the rocking of the carriage. I imagine the faces of the passengers—just commuters heading to Euston to sit behind desks, which leads me to see beyond the end of the line—to my ventures back in Holkham. On a morning like this, how odd that I would think of those times with such affection. The wind in the grass, the big slate sky over the dunes, the house infested with mice and falling down, full of candles and dirt and music. It’s like those memories never really happened.
I feel my heart beating just a little too fast.
Logic for making improvements:
- “Today” is obvious and should be left out, since we’re in her point of view, listening to the train go by her house.
- The first sentence uses a “comma splice,” the joining of two sentences with only a comma, no conjunction. Authors sometimes do that, but it violates grammatical rule and can confuse readers. Better: “The train isn’t stopping but trundles slowly past.”
- “I can hear” is a telling approach. We deepen the point of view by going directly to what our point-of-view character hears.
- Onomatopeia, the formation of word to echo its associated sound, causes the picture to be heard as well as seen. “Clacking” does wonderfully well. We might hear the train wheels even better with “clack-clickety-clack.”
- We deepen the point of view with “almost feel” instead of “can almost feel.”
- The use of “it” burdens readers with figuring out what “it” is. What is “it” that is rocking? The train, the wheels, or the carriage? Maybe it’s the seat where our point-of-view character would be if she were sitting on the train. We fix this difficulty by replacing “it” with whatever “it” is—in this case, the carriage.
- “I can’t see the faces” states what isn’t We have a stronger statement when we show what is true: “I imagine the faces.”
- In “I know they’re just commuters,” we want to deepen the point of view by eliminating “I know.”
- We want to see her dreams, not be told she can dream. Better: “. . . which leads me to see beyond the end of the line—to my ventures back in Holkham.”
- “On mornings like this” works better at the beginning of the sentence.
- “It’s odd that I still think of it” uses “it” twice in six word, with different meanings for “it.” We can avoid the first “it” and replace the second with what “it” is: “How odd that I would think of those times with such affection.”
- “Longing” is redundant, already stated in “affection.”
- “But I do” states the obvious and should be left out.
- “It’s like a dream” misses the more important point: “It’s like those memories never really happened.”
- “I feel my heart beating just a little too fast.” This is a wonderful sentence that avoids the cliché “my heart pounded.” But we could deepen the point of view by removing “I feel.”
