Here’s a great paragraph from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. Can we do even better? Yes, we often can improve a sentence by not starting with “it.”
It’s a relief to be back on the 8:04. It’s not that I can’t wait to get into London to start my week—I don’t particularly want to be in London at all. I just want to lean back in the soft, sagging velour seat, feel the warmth of the sunshine streaming through the window, feel the carriage rock back and forth and back and forth, the comforting rhythm of wheels on the tracks. I’d rather be here, looking out at the houses beside the track, than almost anywhere else.
What we might see for an improved version:
What a relief to be back on the 8:04. Not that I can’t wait to start my week in the big city—I don’t particularly want to be in London at all. I’d rather lean back in the soft, sagging velour seat, breathe the warmth of the sunshine streaming through the window, and relax as the train car rocks back and forth, back and forth. I feel the comforting rhythm and hear the muffled clatter of the wheels on the track. I’d rather be riding, looking out at the houses as they pass by, than doing almost anything else.
Some logic for making improvements:
- We have “it” beginning the first two sentences of the first paragraph. By breaking the obsolete rule that a sentence must have a have a subject and verb, we can express the opening thought more effectively: “What a relief to be back on the 8:04.
- The second sentence can also avoid the “it” beginning: “Not that I can’t wait to . . .”
- Instead of repeating “London,” we can expand the thought by first referring to the “big city” followed by the name.
- “I just want to” has a stronger feeling of comparison if we use “I’d rather,” which uses two instead of four words.
- The “rule of threes” says we can strengthen the feeling of what the rider wants by ending the sentence after describing the three items being felt.
- Rather than repeat the word “feel,” we can “breathe the warmth of the sunshine” and “relax,” saving the word “feel” for the sentence that follows.
- For some readers, a “carriage” returns an image of what Cinderella rode to the ball, so “train car” might be better.
- We touch readers more deeply by adding the sense of touch and hearing: “I feel the comforting rhythm and hear the muffled clatter of the wheels on the track.”
- “Be here” has no sense of action, so “be riding” is a little stronger.
- Instead of “houses beside the track,” we can improve readers’ visual sensation with “houses as they pass by.”
