Cancer Doesn’t Scare Me
by Aubrey McNutt

I have cancer.

It has been diagnosed as Stage-4 Adenocarcinoma and is considered terminal. It is my desire that you understand I have great confidence and peace, despite the prognosis. Having a terminal disease crystallizes in my mind that my salvation is secure. To be able to rejoice in suffering makes more sense to me than ever.

Jesus Christ and the apostle Paul give two great examples of the attitude I want to take as I face the reality of death and eternity. To tell you the truth, I am excited about what I consider the greatest day in the life of a Christian, the very last day, the last breath, the last heartbeat.

In Matthew 26:39, Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane to His Father, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Lord, help me to have that kind of submission!

And in 2 Corinthians 12:7–10, Paul talks about the “thorn in the flesh” as he pleads with God three times to remove it from him. The Lord responds, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Paul later says that’s why he delights in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, and in difficulties. “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). Cancer makes me weak, but I am stronger than I have ever been before because of God’s grace.

There are many nights when I can’t sleep, often because of the pain, often because of the terrible chemicals that are rushing through my veins; but the most predominate sensation that always overwhelms me is feeling the very presence of Jesus by my side. It is as if I can reach out in the darkness and touch Him. He knows my pain, and I have this awesome feeling of peace that truly surpasses all understanding.

My cancer is an intestinal cancer that has spread to many places throughout my body. I’ve undergone two major surgeries, 66 radiation treatments, and 49 chemotherapy treatments. This cancer was discovered when doctors found a large tumor in my bladder in the fall of 2008.

In January of 2009, a minor surgery removed the tumor; but three years later, it was discovered that the cancer had returned and spread. So, my first major surgery in 2012 removed the bladder, about half of my large intestines, my prostate, and several lymph glands. The doctor explained to us that Stage 4 cancer means remission is not likely, and that the chances of survival are slim past five years of diagnosis.

My diagnosis of cancer has been an amazing blessing because it has helped me understand, like never before, the ultimate purpose of why God created me. It made me realize that every part of my brief life on earth is useless without Jesus Christ.

How I live this life determines where I’ll spend eternity. My most important duty is to glorify God, obey His commands, and share the Gospel of Jesus Christ with all the abilities God has given me.

To maintain my commitment to Christ, I began reading my Bible more consistently.

My prayer life improved.

I became hungry for finding Christian literature to enhance my spiritual knowledge.

And Christian music, which has always been important to me, became a huge factor in helping me to remain more focused, committed, and inspired during my battle with cancer. I have many awesome songs saved on my iTunes, and so, at any moment, when I need to stop and refocus, I can play my favorites and be lifted up to where I need to be.

One song, by a famous gospel group, has inspired me more than any song I can think of. It has reminded me to walk with joy because my debts are paid, and that I am a child of God, so I should not be afraid. This particular song gives me chills of inspiration every time I hear it. It expresses the very reasons why I can have peace, joy, and confidence, even in the midst of a major trial. If a person’s testimony could match the words of this song, just try to imagine how the Kingdom of God would grow!

Many people have complimented and thanked me for my positive attitude despite terminal cancer, but I easily see the real credit and praise goes directly to God. He has given me the tools to maintain my focus.

Many times people have told me they wish they had as much faith as I have. However, that is not the most important factor. After all, faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain. Belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ and trust in God’s amazing grace are, by far, more important and powerful than anything we can do to experience His peace.

So, I have assessed some of the ways I handle cancer and have contemplated, “Why?” “Why did I feel this way?” “Why do I have a flood of peace that overwhelms me?” It did not just suddenly happen.

As I thought about it, I realized my strength and confidence go way back.

Blessed to be raised in a Christian home, my parents taught me from day one there is a God who created everything. He loves us unconditionally. The Trinity is made up of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

When you reach the “age of accountability,” you realize you have a need. The “age of accountability” is when you actually come to a conviction that you are in sin and that you need redemption. It usually comes around four, six, or eight years of age, but it can come years or decades later. For some it may be 40, 60, or 80 years of age.

I was probably eight or nine years old when evil temptations started getting my attention. Accountability came into focus big time. Two particular incidents convicted me of the evil in my heart.

I was the youngest of eight children, with five of us living at home at the same time. We lived in a small two- bedroom house. My dad and mom had one bedroom and three sisters had the other bedroom. That left the cold back porch for my brother, who was six-and-a-half years older, and myself. We slept under a lot of blankets in the wintertime.

For ten years, we lived on the outskirts of town in the city of Shawnee, Oklahoma, about 35 miles due east of Oklahoma City. It was in elementary school that things began to happen and revealed to me the devil was real, and that I had tendencies to give in to his temptations.

One of my first encounters with Satan’s ways was walking to and from the city municipal swimming pool, about ten blocks from home. Sometimes I walked with my sisters, and sometimes I walked by myself. About halfway between home and the swimming pool was a drug store. Inside that drug store were magazine racks with pornographic literature that I would thumb through. I eventually realized the evil nature of what I was allowing myself to indulge in, and that it was a bad choice. It scared me deeply to think I was giving in to the devil. I realized Satan was sneaking into my heart, so I intentionally avoided this evil temptation.

Meanwhile, at the swimming pool I became friends with a tall, dark, and handsome man, with whom I was very impressed. He treated me nice. He bought me candy, and I even invited him to our home a time or two to have dinner with our family. He was kind and respectful to my parents and siblings. But, one day after swimming, he took me into the county courthouse, located near the swimming pool, and led me into a restroom on the very same floor as the sheriff’s office. That is where he sexually molested me. I was devastated, but never ever told anyone about what had happened until just recently, 58 years later! All I could think about was how evil I was, when in reality, this man was a predator.

Reaching my age of accountability convicted me of my sinful nature.

I finally reached a certain level of maturity to know I desperately needed Jesus in my life. Fortunately, my parents gave us a Christian home where we always attended church every time the doors were opened. From day one, I was taught about Jesus, and when the time was right, I realized I had a way out of the evil clutches of the devil.

I knew that Jesus was the Son of God. I knew my faith in Him was real.

I knew Jesus Christ commanded me to publicly confess my sins and to be baptized for the remission of my sins.

My faith, belief, confession, and baptism at eleven years of age were necessary to overcome my sinful nature.

As I think about the events in my life since my baptism into Christ, I easily see that the common thread of my life has always been the wise, but very subtle promptings of the Holy Spirit and knowing that Jesus was always by my side. So many events that turned out right for me were things I did not even realize at the time. They were the result of the Spirit’s protection. Wow! I would not have survived many situations had it not been for the Spirit of God gently nudging me into the right direction.

I want to give you a few examples.

When I went off to college, I did not stop attending church like many of my fellow classmates. That was the guidance of the Holy Spirit!

Then came two years in the United States Marine Corps. After boot camp in San Diego, California, I found a Christian family that picked me up for every church service. None of my Marine buddies would go with me. But I could not stop going to church. That was the Holy Spirit!

Speaking of being in the Marines, my MOS (military occupation) was Field Radio Operator. After boot camp, I went back to San Diego for radio school. On the first day of school, we were notified that every one of our class of about 35 had orders already written up to be deployed to Vietnam. This was 1969 when the war was raging strong. You must understand that a Field Radio Operator’s average life expectancy in Vietnam was short. They were prime targets for snipers in any kind of combat operation. But after graduation from radio school, only one of the class of 35 had their orders cancelled, and that one was me. Again, that happened because of the protection of the Holy Spirit and the fervent prayers of a righteous momma.

At age 28, my first marriage failed, but I still attended church. That was the Holy Spirit!

At 31 years of age, I was led to Dallas, Texas in 1979. I bet you think getting out of Oklahoma was an act of the Holy Spirit. Yes, it was. Soon after I got to Dallas, my sister JoAnne and I joined an awesome church that has been my church home ever since.

Within two months, I met the love of my life, Kathy. After Kathy and I met at a large singles function on March 31, 1979, we started dating and it quickly escalated into serious affections for each other, but it scared Kathy to death. She had also gone through a terrible divorce. With a six-year-old and a two-year-old, she could not stand the thought of giving her heart to another man. And so, after six months, she broke off our relationship.

I was devastated, but I remembered how my mom taught me to pray. So I started praying. I guess Kathy didn’t think to pray for me to just go away. I prayed for the Lord to please change Kathy’s heart, so my prayers were answered! We have been married for 36 years now, and the Lord has blessed us in unbelievable ways. Many people look at Kathy and me and they are confounded that I did so well to “marry up” like I did. I just say I had high expectations, and she didn’t. She did have one prenuptial agreement that she wanted me to agree to. She made me promise that I would never move her to Oklahoma. Of course, I accepted that stipulation. I figured I had a better chance of succeeding in Texas, because when I moved to Texas from Oklahoma, I improved the IQ of both states!

For all of us, there are many problems that relentlessly consume our lives. There needs to be and there always is a solution.

My early awareness of my sinful nature and my decision to do something about it by choosing to believe in Jesus Christ was my wisest choice. I was not fully aware of the magnitude of my confession and commitment, but at eleven years of age, I knew I was on the right track.

I am fearless in this journey with cancer, because I clearly feel the amazing love God pours out on me. He holds me in the palm of His hand. I constantly feel the presence of Jesus, intimately by my side. A trivial matter such as terminal cancer is no match for the love of God. So, since I comprehend that God loves me, and that I love Him, I am free. I am content. I am at peace, and I cannot wait to go home.

I am not a prisoner of cancer. I am not a prisoner to sin.

And in the Holy Spirit, the common thread that has woven my life together, He guides me, and the trust and peace I have in Christ’s perfect sacrifice always keeps me on the right track. All of my negative challenges never get the best of me. Instead, they solidify my commitment to God.

Over the last seven years, I have constantly researched many good Christian books that could help me understand more clearly the meaning of the deep truths of the Bible and to grasp this phenomenal blessing of peace. Because of my cancer, and because of the valuable insights I have gained from godly Bible scholars, my diligent study of the Scriptures has been more consistent and vibrant.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Psalm 139:16. It says, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

I am invincible until my last day comes, and God knew it before the foundations of the world were formed.

My peace and joy is certain and it is in large part because of my journey with cancer. There is no terminal illness or no devil that can take that from me.

Because of my absolute assurance of my salvation, I have nothing to worry about, and my prayer request is that Jesus Christ will be glorified through me in the greatest way possible. May my “thorn in the flesh,” cancer, not be removed if it is the best way for me to glorify God.

I am his child and I am not alone. I am not afraid.

I am thankful for this reality of a terminal disease of cancer. It is truly a wonderful blessing to me. The fact that the number of my days are rapidly dwindling makes everything I do more focused on what I can do to prepare myself for eternity and to influence others to become more keenly aware that the number of their days are just as tenuous as mine. None of us is promised tomorrow; in fact, I do not know a perfectly healthy person that can guarantee they will outlive me.

Therefore, I share my testimony with you, hoping and praying that something I have written will encourage you. May it help you to be ready for this inevitable event called death, which is probably much closer than you think.

What are your prospects for eternity?

Seriously ponder what you are doing that will determine your eternal destination.

The proper decision is clear and absolute. It is a dedicated allegiance to the King of kings and the Lord of lords!

If you have not made that decision and commitment, the time is now, before it is too late.

Aubrey McNutt, a retired carpenter, is active in his church and spends his time helping others. He was born and raised in Shawnee, Oklahoma, but moved to Dallas in 1979. He is married to his beautiful wife, Kathy, and has three children, twelve grandchildren, and four great grandchildren.