The older generation might have enough familiarity with Old English that the classics are still an enjoyable read, although many don’t know that when Juliet asked Romeo, “Wherefore art thou?” she was asking how he was doing, not trying to find where he was. As much as some might dislike touching the sacred words that were good for King James, modern readers need a little help with the language.
Great words from The Adventures and the Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle:
With a rending, tearing sound, one of the broad, white stones turned over upon its side and left a square gaping hole through which streamed the light of a lantern. Over the edge there peeped a clean-cut, boyish face, which looked keenly about it, and then, with a hand on either side of the aperture, drew itself shoulder high and waist high until one knee rested upon the edge. In another instant he stood at the side of the hole, and was hauling after him a companion, lithe and small like himself, with a pale face and a shock of very red hair.
What we might see for an improved version:
With a scraping sound, one of the broad, white stones turned upon its side and left a square gaping hole with light streaming through. A clean-cut, boyish face, peeped over the edge, looking all around. With a hand on either side of the opening, the boy lifted himself shoulder high, then waist high, until one knee rested upon the edge. In an instant, he stood at the side of the hole and hauled after him a companion, agile and small like himself, with a pale face and a shock of fiery red hair.
Logic for making improvements:
- A “rending, tearing sound” suggests a picture of something that tears, like paper or fabric. When stones move, they are more likely to have a “scraping sound.”
- In Conan Doyle’s era, an omniscient point of view was more acceptable than today’s readers, who prefer the limited perspective of the main character in the scene. If the observer sees the light streaming from the hole, then he can’t be sure of its source, whether it was a lantern or a torch.
- “There” is a weak way to begin the action of a sentence. A noun works better: “A clean-cut, boyish face peeped over the edge.”
- While we wouldn’t want to destroy the feeling of old times, we also have to be concerned that the style is not so far removed from today’s language that the meaning will be missed. Instead of “which looked keenly about it,” we might use “looking all around.”
- “Then” is obvious. Everything that happens in succession is “next” or “then.” We can leave out that word and start a new sentence.
- “With a hand on either side of the aperture” is a dangling modifier, because the only noun we have to associate is the “boyish face.” Did the boyish face have a hand? No, the boy had the hand, so he needs to be made the subject of the action. “With a hand on either side . . . the boy . . .”
- For today’s audience, “opening” might be better than “aperture.”
- “Drew itself,” in today’s English, sounds like he was making a pencil sketch. He “lifted himself.”
- “Shoulder high and waist high” suggests concurrent conditions when they could only have been successive. The boy lifted himself “shoulder high, then waist high, until one knee rested upon the edge.”
- We have “in another instant” but don’t know when the first instant was. “In an instant” is better, leaving out “another.”
- “In an instant” is a short period while the progressive “was hauling” is of lengthy duration. We need to avoid that conflict by using the simple past tense: “and hauled.”
- Will today’s readers know what “lithe” means? Maybe. Older readers certainly will. But generations after the baby-boomers might need “limber” or “agile” to get the author’s meaning.
- How does “very red” compare with “red”? We need to remember that “very” tells readers very little. “Fiery red” is better.
