Sighted people associate darkness with blindness, but that’s not entirely accurate. Actually, blind people perceive both light and dark through the other four senses. In the real world of our emotions, faith is light and fear is darkness, which was especially true for Tommy.
Great words from Adventures in Darkness by Tom Sullivan:
Looking back, I’m sure the old mansion was just settling or shifting on its foundation, but at the time I wanted to run. Run as fast as a blind person could. Run away from this musty old trap. Get out. Escape. But I couldn’t, because the guys would think I was a coward.
So I tried to bluff the darkness. “Okay, ghosts!” I yelled, shaking. “You’re not scaring me. Not Tommy Sullivan. I’m gonna stay right here all night, even if you murder me.”
I was answered by a scuttling sound—what was it? Feet?— moving close to me in the dark. The squeaks that followed made me understand. Rats. I was in a house full of rats. I squeezed up against the wall, figuring that at least then every-thing would have to come at me from in front. I shivered in the slime and the cold. Something whished across my face, and I screamed. And then I heard a different squeak and the whish of what I decided must be bats.
Rats and bats. Rats and bats. I was in a house full of rats and bats and creaks and squeaks. But so far, no ghosts. Okay.
Then I got really weird. I started to sing, “When you walk through a storm, keep your head up high, and don’t be afraid of the dark.”
Oh brother, I was really losing it.
What we might see for an improved version:
Maybe the old mansion was just settling on its foundation, but I wanted to run as fast as any blind person could go. Get away from this musty old trap. Escape this prison. But I didn’t dare— because the guys would think I was a coward.
“Okay, ghosts!” I yelled, shaking. “You’re not scaring me. Not Tommy Sullivan. I’m gonna stay right here all night, even if you murder me.”
I was answered by a scuttling sound—what was it? Feet?— moving closer. The random squeaks told me I was in a house full of rats. I squeezed against the wall, figuring that at least then, an assault would have to come from the front.
I shivered in the slime and the cold.
Something whished near my face, and I screamed. A different kind of squeak. Another whish. And I knew what I was sensing—bats.
Rats and bats. I was in a creaking and squeaking house with running and flying critters. But so far, no ghosts.
Okay.
Okay.
I started to sing, “When you walk through a storm, keep your head up high, and don’t be afraid of the dark.”
Oh brother, I was really losing it.
Logic for making improvements:
- In “looking back” we weaken the strength of the present moment. We want to eliminate that phrase and change the future conclusion to a present question: “Maybe the old mansion was just settling on its foundation.”
- We should eliminate the redundancy of “settling” and “shifting” and use only one of the terms.
- “At the time” states the obvious and can be deleted.
- Instead of repeating “run,” we can expand the meaning with “run,” “get away,” and “escape.”
- For an eleven-year-old, “but I didn’t dare” is probably better than “I couldn’t.”
- “I tried to bluff the darkness” is a telling sentence for the benefit of a sighted person, but blind Tommy can’t see darkness. We don’t need the sentence because that fact becomes obvious with the dialogue and action that follows.
- “Moving closer” is better than “moving closer to me in the dark” because Tommy can’t see dark and “to me” is obvious.
- “The squeaks that followed made me understand. Rats. I was in a house full of rats” can be intensified with fewer words in a single sentence: “The random squeaks told me I was in a house full of rats.”
- We can delete “up” in “squeezed up.”
- “Everything” tells readers nothing. What was it? An attack of rats. Let’s use “assault.”
- In “would have to come at me from the front,” we can delete the obvious “at me.”
- “I shivered in the slime and the cold” is a distinct point of focus that belongs in its own paragraph.
- “Near my face” is probably better than “across my face” unless the bat’s wings scraped his cheek.
- “Rats and bats” doesn’t have to be repeated.
- “I was in a house full of rats and bats and creaks and squeaks” lacks contrast. Perhaps better: “I was in a creaking and squeaking house with running and flying critters.”
- “Then I got really weird” is a telling statement that can be eliminated, because it’s shown in the action and thought that follows.
