An eleven-year-old blind boy pulls himself over an eight-foot chain-link fence and falls to the ground. How would the boy describe the fall and the attention he received afterward?
Great words from Adventures in Darkness by Tom Sullivan:
Only eight feet to the ground, but it was plenty of time to gain speed enough to break a bone or two. I crashed on the hard dirt of the yard next door. The family hadn’t planted grass yet, so the landing was—to say the least—a little rough. I got the wind knocked clean out of me, but I didn’t care: I heard the running feet of the two boys as they reached my side.
Billy got there first. “Wow,” he said, amazed. “That was a cool fall. Are you all right?” I couldn’t answer him, so he went on. “I’m Billy Hannon, and this is my brother, Mike. Are you okay?”
I struggled for breath and finally squeezed out, “Yeah, I think so. I’m Tom Sullivan, and I’m blind.”
“Wow,” the boys said together.
Two sets of hands pulled me to my feet, two voices asking again if I was all right. I stood up and sort of checked to see if everything was still in the right place. Happily, all of the parts seemed to be in working order.
What we might see for an improved version:
Only eight feet to the ground, but the distance was sufficient for the fall to break a bone or two. I crashed on the hard dirt of the yard next door. The family hadn’t planted grass yet, so the landing was—to say the least—a little rough. The wind was knocked clean out of me, but I didn’t care.
The sound of running feet as the boys reached my side. “Wow,” a voice said, amazed. “That was a cool fall. Are you all right?”
Struggling to catch my breath, I couldn’t answer.
“I’m Billy Hannon, and this is my brother, Mike. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. I’m Tom Sullivan, and I’m blind.”
“Wow!” the boys said together. Two sets of hands pulled me to my feet, two voices asking again if I was all right.
I stood and checked to see if everything was still in the right place. Happily, all the parts seemed to be in working order.
Logic for making improvements:
- “It was” is a weak beginning, because we don’t know what “it” is. What was “it”? The answer can’t be “plenty of time,” because the distance, not the time that we would naturally think was most responsible for a hard fall. Instead of “it was plenty of time,” let’s use “the distance was sufficient.”
- “Speed” is of less concern, because “force” is what breaks bones. To make the concept of distance work instead of time, we need to complete the sentence with “for the fall to break a bone or two.”
- We can strengthen “I got the wind knocked clean out of me” by writing “the wind was knocked clean out of me.”
- “I heard” is a telling introduction to what was heard. We deepen the point of view if we can state only what was heard: “The sound of running feet as the boys reached my side.” That’s right, contrary to what me might have been taught in school, a sentence doesn’t always require a verb. Really.
- After the boy hits the ground, the breath knocked out of him, “the sound of running feet” is a shift in the point of focus, calling for a new paragraph.
- “Billy got there first” is something the blind boy can’t know until later. So to stay in the present moment, we have no choice. We must leave out that sentence and assign the dialogue to “a voice” instead of “he,” in the same paragraph.
- “I couldn’t answer him, so he went on” is telling a condition without showing why, which we learn later. We need a new paragraph: “Struggling to catch my breath, I couldn’t answer.”
- “I’m Billy Hanson” begins a new point of focus and calls for a paragraph break.
- The blind boy’s response no longer needs “I struggled for breath,” since we gave that information earlier, when we needed know.
- We don’t need “squeezed out,” because we “say” words, we don’t “squeeze” them. “I said” is better, but we know who is talking. We don’t need the tag.
- “Two sets of hands” is the same point of focus as the boys’ dialogue, so that sentence belongs in the same paragraph.
- “I stood” is a new point of focus and should begin a new paragraph.
- If he “stood,” we know the direction. We don’t need “up.”
- Readers can’t distinguish a difference between “sort of checked” and “checked,” so we don’t need “sort of.”
