A common mistake we make is writing “made his way,” which does no more than the better expression: “went.” If we want readers to see the difficulty of a journey, me must create a picture of what the “made his way” struggle looks like, which is even more challenging when our character is blind.
Great words from Adventures in Darkness by Tom Sullivan:
I got off the swing and walked to the fence closest to where the boys were playing. Reaching up, I grabbed hold of the chain link and began the climb, hand-over-hand, foot-over-foot, escaping the confines of my prison. Reach up. Grab. Dig your feet in. Climb. Reach up. Grab. Dig your feet in. Climb. And finally, at the top, open space.
Now, an intelligent person would grab hold of the top of the fence, ease his way over, and sort of shimmy down the other side. But I was Tom Sullivan, and this was my statement of freedom. And like the skydiver who yells “Geronimo” and takes the leap of faith, hoping the parachute will open, I launched from the top of the fence.’’
What we might see for an improved version:
I got off the swing and walked to the fence closest to where the boys were playing. I reached up, grabbed hold of the chain link, and began to climb, hand-over-hand, foot-over-foot, to escape the confines of my prison. Reach up. Grab. Dig your toe in. Climb. Not there yet. Reach up. Grab. Dig your other toe in. Climb. Finally, my hand brushed the open air above. I was at the top.
Now an intelligent person would grab hold of the top bar, ease himself over, and shimmy down the other side. But I was Tom Sullivan, and this was my statement of freedom. Like the skydiver who yells “Geronimo” and takes the leap of faith, hoping the parachute will open, I launched from the top of the fence.
Logic for making improvements:
- The action of an introductory phrase needs to coincide with the main action of the sentence. Since “reaching up” precedes and does not coincide with “grabbing,” we need a sequential list of actions. Better: “I reached up, grabbed hold of the chain link, and began to climb.”
- A boys foot won’t fit into the small opening in a chain link fence. Only the toe of the shoe will work. Only one toe at a time can be pushed into the next higher opening, so instead of “dig your feet in,” we want “dig your toe in.”
- After the first set of climbing actions, what would logically come next? The blind climber would know he hadn’t yet reached the top. So we need to add “not there yet” before repeating the set of actions.
- “And finally, at the top, open space” tells the result without showing how the boy knows this. How would he have known. His hand would have touched open air. Let’s write instead: “Finally, my hand brushed the open air above. I was at the top.”
- We don’t need a comma after “now.”
- Tommy can’t “ease his way.” He can only “ease himself.”
- Readers don’t know how to distinguish “sort of shimmy” with “shimmy,” so we can delete “sort of.”
