With this example, we begin with a good picture in fifty-seven words and make a much stronger picture in forty-six words. That’s 20 percent fewer words, which will make readers happy.
Great words from Deadly Stakes by J. A. Jance:
When the car lurched to a hard stop, the load of luggage behind Ali shifted, slamming her forward and mashing her face into the carpet-covered wall in front of her. The abrupt change of position sent a whole new agony of needles and pins powering through her legs and feet and a new awareness through her brain.
What we might see for an improved version:
When the car screeched to an abrupt stop, the load of luggage behind Ali pitched forward, slamming her into the carpet-covered wall. Pain fired like tiny lightning bolts of needles and pins through her arms and legs, bringing sudden awareness that the torture was just beginning.
Logic for making improvements:
- Lurching is what a car does when it’s moving forward, not stopping. “Screeched to a stop” is better.
- What is a “hard” stop? “Hardness” isn’t the best visual. Perhaps we could write it this way: “When the car screeched to an abrupt stop . . .”
- The luggage “pitched forward” is more accurate than “shifted,” which could go in any direction.
- “Slamming her forward and mashing her face into the carpet-covered wall in front of her” has more words than we need to create a vivid picture. “In front of her” is obvious, so we can leave that phrase out. Let’s use this: “slamming her into the carpet-covered wall.”
- Ali is slammed into the wall, and we’re calling it an “abrupt change”? We can create a more intense image with a simile: “Pain fired like tiny lightning bolts . . .”
- How does mashing her face send needles and pins through her legs and feet? We now have Ali slamming into the wall, which would send pain “through her arms and legs.”
- “Through her brain” is obvious. Where else would she have awareness? A “new awareness”? As opposed to what, an old awareness? This leads us to the question: awareness of what? Since we don’t want readers to guess, we might write: “sudden awareness that the torture was just beginning.”
