Readers want to feel the character’s hope, not just be told about it.
Great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:
Martie didn’t know how the doctor was able to project such reassuring air of quiet authority and competence, but she didn’t try to analyze it because the very sight of him, even more than stepping through the doorway into this room, put her at peace, and she was just grateful to feel a surge of hope.
What we might see for an improved version:
How could the doctor’s presence bring such a reassuring air of quiet authority and competence? No need to waste time analyzing the situation. Just the sight of him, even more than stepping into this room, put her at peace. Martie relaxed, so grateful to finally feel a surge of hope.
Logic for making improvements:
- The point in the first clause is Martie’s realization that she can’t identify the cause of her sudden change in feeling. What is it? In her point of view, she would be asking that question, not making a statement that she didn’t know.
- “She didn’t try to analyze it” is a telling statement from an observer’s point of view. To put it into Martie’s deep point of view, we need to state what she was thinking: “No need to waste time analyzing the situation.”
- The word very seldom adds much meeting—more of a distraction than a help. We can leave it out. Better yet, change “the very sight of him” to “just the sight of him.”
- If she stepped through the doorway, we know she’s in the room. If she stepped into the room, readers will assume she didn’t leap through a window. Having both “through the doorway” and “into this room” is redundant. The room is where she is now, so the latter phrase is more important than the doorway where she’s been. Let’s keep “into this room.”
- We’re told that Martie is “just grateful to feel a surge of hope.” Readers would rather see the feeling rather than be told it exists. What would she do? Relax.
- Martie was more than “just grateful” which trivializes her gratitude. She was “grateful to finally feel,” which gives readers a stronger sense of what she’s been looking for, all along: hope.
