We don’t build much emotion for the readers when we write telling statements like “she screamed” or “she was terrified.” We really show our ignorance if we can use an adverb to intensify the emotion, because readers are not touched to any greater degree with “she screamed loudly” or “she was very terrified.”
First we want to find a writer who can give us a good picture of terror. Then we want to find ways to make the words even better.
Great words from False Memory by Dean Koontz:
She was no longer grunting or cursing, no longer quarreling with herself. Worse, bending forward once more, she began to scream. Shrill shrieks punctuated by hard swallows of air, like a swimmer in trouble. Terror in her cries. But also outrage, disgust, shock. Screams that shuddered with revulsion, as those of a swimmer who had felt something strange sliding past beneath the water, something cold and slick and terrible.
What we might see for an improved version:.
She quit grunting and cursing, no longer quarreling with herself. Feeling even worse, she bent forward and screamed. Shrill shrieks punctuated by hard swallows of air, like a swimmer in trouble. Terror in her cries. Outrage. Disgust. Shock. Screams of panic, as those of a swimmer who felt something strange sliding past beneath the water, something cold and slick and terrible.
Logic for making improvements:
- The active “quit grunting” is better than the passive “was no longer grunting,” and it allows us to eliminate the first occurrence of the repetitive “no longer.”
- The introductory word worse, is telling the result before the cause. We might say “feeling even worse,” which would work because the feeling can precede the action.
- Told only that she “began to scream,” we’re left to wonder if she quit the moment she started or if she actually screamed. Of course, “she screamed” is what is meant, so that’s what we should say, leaving out “began.”
- “Bending forward” shows a progressive, ongoing action. How long does it take to bend forward? The shortness of such an action suggests the need for the simple past tense: “she bent forward.”
- We can leave out “once more,” since that’s obvious.
- You may have learned in school that sentences required a subject and verb. They do not. Actually, they need only communicate a thought. You can even have a one-word paragraph.
- Instead of expanding our understanding of her terror with “outrage, disgust, shock,” we could drop “but also,” which is obvious and emphasize the three words by putting them in their own separate sentences: Outrage. Disgust. Shock. This gives us a feeling of building terror rather than an explanation of something that has already happened.
- What are “screams that shuddered with revulsion”? The point is in the simile that follows. We seem to be explaining the panic here, so the simple word panic is better than the long phrase.
- We don’t need the past-perfect tense had felt. The simple past tense felt brings the feeling into the present moment.
