Jill's Revised Story

• 1. In the first two words, Norris was identified as little. After the first sentence, readers have the picture of his size. Repeating “little” is stating the obvious. If Jill used a child’s name, like Timmy, she didn’t need “little” at all.
• 2. For the author, “very badly” clearly stated how Norris was failing at math, but readers couldn’t make a distinction between “badly,” “very badly,” and “very, very badly.” To them, it was all just bad, and the expression would be stronger if “very” were left out.
• 3. Taking readers into the past with “had tried” interrupted the forward progression of the story. The flow would be better by saying “his parents tried everything.”
• 4. A hyphen was used instead of the long dash, called an em-dash. The correct punctuation uses the em-dash with no spaces before and after (everything—tutors).
• 5. The “rule of threes” says three items are most readily grasped by readers, not four or more. Since tutors and mentors are so similar, the phrase would be better as “tutors, flash cards, and special learning centers.”
• 6. The flow of items would make better sense if they went from the simplest to the most costly. Therefore, the item list would be best stated as “flash cards, special learning centers, and private tutors.”
• 7. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. This was re-stating what had already been told in the previous sentence. Jill deleted it, strengthening the impact of the other sentences.
• 8. Aren’t all last-ditch efforts “final”? Yes, so Jill deleted “finally” from the third sentence.
• 9. An adjective cannot modify an adjective but should be joined with a hyphen to form a single adjective. The parents didn’t have a “ditch effort.” They had a “last-ditch effort,” hyphenated.
• 10. They took Norris down and enrolled him… The same picture in fewer words would be stronger. How could the phrase be better stated? They enrolled Norris…
• 11. So they enrolled Norris in the local Catholic school. Of course it would be local. Jill removed that word as unnecessary, stating the obvious.
• 12. Was it “after the first day” or “on the first day” when Norris came home? Jill thought he hadn’t spent the night at the school, so the latter phrase had to be correct.
• 13. Norris had “a very serious look on his face.” Jill took out the “very,” which wasn’t helping readers measure the seriousness. She didn’t need “on his face,” because that was obvious. Where else would a “look” be? She decided to say he came home “with a serious look, saying nothing.”
• 14. He went straight to his room and started studying. Really? He only started but didn’t stay with it for very long? Jill knew that wasn’t right, so she rewrote, He went straight to studying in his room.
• 15. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Norris was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. Jill couldn’t understand how Mom could see the books and papers and be amazed when she was somewhere else, calling him down to dinner. She rewrote: When Mom went to call him to dinner, books and papers were spread across the room and he was hard at work. Amazing.
• 16. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back… Mom was already amazed, so Jill thought “to her shock” was overdone. Repetition diluted the impact of a statement. It doesn’t strengthen it. What was he finished with? Not his homework. Jill rewrote: The minute he finished eating…
• 17. “And in no time” duplicated the picture Jill already had with his leaving the minute he finished eating, so she deleted that phrase.
• 18. “As before” is redundant with “back” in “back hitting the books,” so Jill wrote: “back to hitting the books.”
• 19. “Went on for some time, day after day” could be shortened to “went on for days.”
• 20. Jill thought “made all the difference” would be more accurately states as “caused the sudden change.”
• 21. Finally, little Norris brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. Everything that happens is either “next” or “final,” so Jill deleted “finally” and tightened the wording. On day when he came home, he quietly laid his report card on the table and went to his room to study.
• 22. “Trepidation” was not a word used in normal conversation, and it wasn’t good for writing either. Jill’s goal was for the picture to be clear, not to have someone notice her fancy words. “Hands trembling” would be better.
• 23. Grade A doesn’t need quotes around the capital letter.
• 24. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Norris got an ‘A’ in math. The pronoun His should not be capitalized and isn’t needed. The whole sentence could be tightened. Jill wrote: Hands trembling, Mom opened the card. Unbelievable. He got an A in math.
• 25. Dialogue should be in double quotes, not single.
• 26. Jill saw a shift in the point of focus when Mom could no longer hold her curiosity and went to her son’s room, so she added a paragraph break there.
• 27. She went to his room and said… The action identifies the speaker, so Jill didn’t need “and said.”
• 28. “Was it the nuns?’ Little Norris looked at her… A shift in the point of focus occurs with every change in who is speaking. Jill needed a paragraph when the focus went to the boy speaking.
• 29. Little Norris looked at her and shook his head, no. The meaning of shaking one’s head or nodding was obvious. Jill didn’t need “no.” She also thought “looked at her” was obvious.
• 30. “Well, then,” she replied. A shift in focus with a new speaker called for a new paragraph. Speakers are best identified with verbs that directly vocalize words. Use only said and asked, and occasionally yelled, whispered, or shouted. Jill could never use words like replied, continued, or insisted.
• 31. Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? Applying the “rule of threes,” Jill made two sentences, which she thought was even stronger.
• 32. WHAT WAS IT? Jill knew all-caps should never be used for emphasis.
• 33. Little Norris looked at her and said… Jill thought “looked at her” was obvious and deleted it.

Jill’s Revised Story