Bestselling authors may write great paragraphs, but we can learn ways to make them even better. Saying “she was frustrated” or “she was upset” gives an observation without much feeling. For readers to feel the emotion, they must be taken through the circumstances step by step.
A great paragraph from Deadly Stakes by J. A. Jance:
It was after Lynn was upstairs in her room that she first discovered that her phone was gone. Lynn had put her keys in her purse and reached for her phone so she could call Chip and tell him she had arrived home safely, but the phone wasn’t anywhere to be found. She had searched the entire bag, digging all the way to the bottom.
What we might see for an improved version:
Upstairs in her room, Lynn dropped her keys into her purse and reached for her cell phone. She needed to call Chip and tell him she had arrived home safely. Where was her phone? After searching through the bag, digging all the way to the bottom, she dumped the contents onto the dresser. The phone wasn’t there.
Some logic for making improvements:
- Sentences beginning with “it was” are weak. “Upstairs in her room” is better because readers get the picture more quickly.
- “First discovered” states an absurdity, because it suggests there could be a second time the discovery could be made. Once the discovery was made, there was no second time. We don’t need “first.”
- The best way to destroy emotion is to give the results before the events leading up to the traumatic discovery. We never want to do that. The recognition that the phone was missing needs to move to the end of the paragraph.
- Now that we’re beginning the paragraph without the discovery, we can describe the emotional steps leading to the conclusion without the past-perfect use of “had,” which is always “telling,” not “showing.”
- Stronger verbs increase the emotion. Instead of “Lynn had put her keys in her purse,” we want the present action of “Lynn dropped her keys into her purse.”
- The “phone” could have been a land line. Readers need to know the phone was a cell phone, or they might picture Lynn reaching for a phone on the dresser and have to make adjustments when they learn that their picture wasn’t correct.
- After reaching for her phone and it wasn’t where she thought it would be, what would she ask? We need to add that thought in the form of a question: “Where was her phone?” If we wanted to state this as internal dialogue, we would use present tense and put the sentence in italics: Where is my phone?
- To feel Lynn’s frustration at not finding her phone, we need more than “she searched the entire bag.” She needs to dump the contents onto the dresser.
- Now we have the conclusion that we moved from the beginning of the paragraph to the end: “The phone wasn’t there.” Some writers would be tempted to use an exclamation mark, but we don’t need it. Editors don’t like exclamation marks. They want to see the emotion in the words, making exclamation marks unnecessary.
