A writer’s favorite set of descriptions quickly become overused, becoming cliché. We must challenge ourselves to dig deeply into a character’s emotion and visualize the actions that would make perfect sense in each scene. Then we can avoid overworked phrases like “his heart pounded” or “tears ran down her cheeks.”
Great words from The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins:
I could feel the blood pulsing in my neck, sweat at the base of my spine, the sickening rush of adrenaline. I shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have complicated the lie.
What we might see for an improved version:
Blood pulsed in my neck. Did he see my face turning red? I wiped my brow, thinking the sweat might be visible. The rush of adrenaline made me grip my chair to calm the panic. I shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have complicated the lie.
Logic for making improvements:
- Watch for “could,” because the meaning is almost always stronger without it. Unless she was dead, we know she could feel, but did she? “I feel” is better than “I could feel.”
- “I could feel the blood pulsing” is telling. Let’s drop the “I could feel” clause and use this: “Blood pulses in my neck.” With this change, readers feel the blood pulsing instead of seeing the condition in someone else.
- She can’t see her face turning red, so we can’t add “my face turns red.” But she can worry about what the other person is seeing. We can intensify her emotion by adding the question: “Does he see my face turning red?”
- In panic, does sweat collect at the base of one’s spine? Her hands might become clammy. Sweat on the brow is most plausible, and that choice works best as a source for worry, since others can see it. Instead of “sweat at the base of my spine,” let’s use “I wipe my brow, thinking the sweat might be visible.”
- “The sickening rush of adrenaline” tells us only that she didn’t like the rush. Better to show the effect: “The rush of adrenaline makes me grip my chair to calm the panic.”
Loved this piece of advice! Thanks for all you teach us, Frank!
Thank you for the encouragement.